I’m dating a girl who is out of my league, Help!

Taway01017 asks: 

I recently found out that a girl that I thought was out of my league, was actually interested in me, from a mutual friend. I recently started talking to her (we’re both in college), and we’ve hung out a few times now. Last weekend I ended up kissing her, and we fooled around a bit.

For whatever reason I can’t seem to shake the whole “why is she interested in me?” thought. In my own opinion, I am decent looking and in good physical shape. I can be a bit shy (then again, so can she), but she is literally everything I could ever dream of in a girl (smart, gorgeous, easy-going, knows how to have fun but has her priorities straight, etc.).

How can I shake this thought, and how do I keep her interested?

You poor, misguided fool. Someone told you a very long time ago that “leagues” exist, and you believed them. This saddens me, but I’m happy you asked how you can get over this feeling.

Let’s just be really really real here, the idea of being in a “league” is derived from a very convoluted system that men devised to figure out why certain women would hypothetically not be into them. A woman’s “league” is primarily determined by her looks, for a man it’s a mix of his looks, his wealth, his education, and so on. I want you to know this though:

There is no such thing as being in someone’s league, or out of someone’s league.

Being in someone’s league is purely decided by you. If you think that you’re good enough to date someone, you’re good enough to date them. Whether they’re attracted to you is a whole different story. Yes, there comes a point where you simply cannot afford to date someone if the gap in your pay is massive, but I’m guessing that if you’ve even met this girl to begin with that she’s not some wealthy aristocrat.

Do I think this girl is out of your league? No. Want to know why? She’s kissed you and fooled around a bit with you,  she clearly thinks that you’re attractive enough for that, right? Oh also, no big deal but SHE IS THE ONE THAT TOLD YOU SHE WAS INTERESTED IN YOU. Yes, she did it indirectly but all the signs are pointing to the fact that she’s in your league.

If you get over the fact that you think she’s out of your league, you’ll find that you’ll worry a lot less about things going wrong because believe it or not, you’re both on a level playing field. The fact that she’s into you should be enough, so stop worrying about it.

But, if things were as easy as “believe in yourself” I wouldn’t spend all this time writing. Here’s some steps you can take if you still believe she’s out of your league so that she’ll remain interested:

1. Demonstrate your value

Your value to your partner is not tied into how much money you have, or how attractive you are,  it’s tied into how you make your partner feel. It’s true that some people feel good about their partner if they are attractive and don’t need much else, but most people want a partner that is more than just eye-candy. Do you add value to your partner’s life by being a friend? Can they rely on you? Are you kind and supportive? Great! Keep doing what you’re doing to demonstrate your ability to add positive value to your partner’s life.

2. Don’t turn your partner into your parent

Nothing kills attraction more quickly than having to turn in to someone’s parent. You can avoid making your partner feel like they’re you’re parent by adjusting how you communicate with your partner, and what you expect from them. People love to fix problems, but if you make your partner feel like they have to fix your problems, you’re operating from a place of imbalance. That doesn’t mean that you should never bring up the things that bother you, but do so in a way that’s either a conversation, or in a way that says “Let me get this off my chest so it doesn’t bother me later”. There is a huge difference between “My life sucks” and “This has been bothering me, what do you think about it?”. If your partner knows that you expect them to b a partner first, and not someone that needs to solve your problems, that will go a long way toward keeping them interested.

3. Don’t rush to turn into “We”

One of the best parts of being in a relationship is having a partner who you can count on during the good and bad times. Being part of a real partnership is awesome, but you need to avoid letting the idea of “We” become more important than the idea of “I”. The “We” of being in a relationship is a beautiful thing, but you can’t lose sight of what you want out of life. Avoid going into people-pleasing mode and remember to express your opinions, not what you think you’re supposed to say. If you don’t like an idea, say so with tact, but don’t avoid small disagreements out of fear. Maintain your own identity while dating/if you end up in a relationship so that your partner sees that the value that attracted them in the first place, you, is still there and has not been sublimated.

Remember, even with all those tips, and the fact that you’re actually in her league, she could still lose interest and move on. Don’t focus on keeping her, focus on being the best version of you and passively, you’ll demonstrate that you’re in her “league”. Whatever the hell that means.

Good Luck Out There.

2 Replies to “I’m dating a girl who is out of my league, Help!”

  1. And never tell her that she is beautiful. She hears that all the time. Be the one person in her life who never mentions it.

    Discover her hobbies, food and music preferences, her values and opinions. Treat her nicely, but take the approach that if she is not there – oh well.

    Learn to talk to her, and listen.

    1. I wouldn’t say NEVER tell her she’s beautiful, just don’t make compliments a substitute for actual conversations. She’ll absolutely get compliments from tons of men, but if you’re the guy who occasionally compliments her, but can also talk to her, you’ll keep her interested.

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