He used me for Sex! How do I move past this?

sarahjane0214 asks:

He stood me up. This wouldn’t have been the first time we’ve seen each other but it would’ve been our first proper date as we live 8 hours from each other. Flushing all of the “i miss you” texts, “can’t wait to see you” phone calls, empty promises of all the things we’d do together down the drain, the emotional pain and emptiness still lingers. Now when I look at myself, I hear his voice saying how beautiful I am, how he loves my eyes, my lips, etc. and can’t help but feel disgusted.

Things I know: I deserve to be treated better, I deserve to be loved for more than my appearance. I should be grateful for finding out sooner rather than later of who he really is. It’s his loss. This is why you don’t confuse sex for love. Don’t see your worth in the eyes of another but your own. I should stop thinking about him because obviously he doesn’t care about me.

I know these things in my head but why am I so easily fooled when it happens? I still feel empty. I still think back on what I could’ve done or said differently to prevent this.

 I’m sorry to hear about this situation, but hopefully you can learn from this experience and move on. I’ll share this piece of advice with you: You have no one to blame but him. If you’re the type of person who thinks that its a woman’s fault if a guy sleeps with her and leaves her you are in the wrong place.

Right off the bat I’m going to throw out some things. For starters, I’ve been this guy on multiple occasions, and I can’t say I’m all that proud of it. I’m hoping that my insight into his behavior helps you decide whether or not to sleep with the next guy that comes along, or when you will. You can trust me when I say that the tips I give you later in this post are based on my own experiences.

The fact of the matter is men sleep with you and then disappear for a huge number of reasons. Some guys say whatever they can to get you into bed and will try to drop you soon after, some guys sleep with you, then realize they like someone else a lot more and then drop you, some guys are just looking for sex wherever they can find it, some guys substitute sex for the affection they crave, and some guys just don’t respect the women that sleep with them. Whatever this guy’s reasoning I just want you to know that it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you slept with him and he flaked afterwards and that isn’t your fault. There is no “right time” to sleep with someone if they had no intentions of staying in the first place.

The reason I brought all that up is because I really, REALLY want to make this advice less about him and more about you. You are correct in saying that you deserve to be loved and treated well, and yes it definitely is his loss. You’re 100% correct in saying that you should not confuse sex for love and should not place your own value in how you are valued. Yes, you should stop thinking about him because he is not thinking about you. You didn’t make any mistakes, he did. Now, let’s address your questions: Why you get so fooled, and how to prevent this from happening again.

Why you get so easily fooled is simple, a good liar will know exactly what you want to hear and say it to get what you want. There is no way to prevent someone charming you by telling you exactly what you want, but if you change the way you approach and think about sex and dating you may at least feel a bit better. Here’s how to approach sex and dating in the future to minimize the chances of being used for sex:

1. Figure out your sex prerequisites

For most people, it’s the third date. For others, it’s a committed relationship. For an even smaller percentage, it’s marriage. Whatever it may be, you need to figure out what your pre-reqs are. Some guys get really good at lulling women into a sense of comfort and know exactly what to say and do (I’m guessing this last guy did by complimenting you so frequently) to get you to lower your guard so if you’re concerned about getting hurt, I’d say make your pre-reqs harder than you normally would. Maybe go for a combination of dates plus time spent with each other plus committed relationship plus relationship milestones (ex. 10 dates + 3 months together + boyfriend and girlfriend + met his friends = sexy times). “When it feels right” is fine too, just know that it’s a lot more risky and there is no fool-proof way to detect if a guy is lying or not.

2. Stick to your prerequisites

There’s no point in doing all the work of figuring out what you need before you have sex to be comfortable having sex with someone if you’re just going to ignore them. Stick to your principles!

3. Tell people upfront about your prerequisites

“But Demetrius, won’t that just scare away the guys interested in me?”. Absolutely! That’s the point. If you tell someone upfront that you want them to wait X amount of time and they stick around, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re 100% committed to you, but it’s a great way to weed out the majority of the guys who just want a quick lay.

4. Remember: Sex is sex, and nothing more

Sex doesn’t mean love. Sex doesn’t mean affection. Sex doesn’t even mean attraction if you’ve had enough drinks. Sex means sex, and nothing more. Sex can mean a lot of things depending on the emotions and motivations behind it, but you can’t know what someone’s motivations are, just what they tell you. Don’t think that just because a guy wants to have sex with you means that he loves you, lusts for you, or even will treat you with basic human decency. I’m not saying that you should become a pessimist, just remember that just because a guy wants to sleep with you, that doesn’t mean that he wants to be with you. Never substitute sex for intimacy, affection, for a real connection.

5. Even after all these tips, be prepared to lose a guy after sex

There is no foolproof method to insure that even after you do steps 1-4 that a guy wont lose interest after sex. It may sound cold or callous and may be hard for you to do, but be prepared to STILL have to deal with men using you for sex and may leave after sex. I’m not saying that you need to go out there and tell men “I’m prepared to deal with you leaving after sex” There are a ton of reasons why a guy would still lose interest after waiting a couple of months and countless dates (the fact that he is still dating other people comes to mind) so don’t assume that time and effort means that he wont leave. Remember, people leave other people, shit happens, and be prepared for when shit will eventually happens.

There’s no way to prevent getting hurt or being used for sex, just know that there are ways to minimize the odds of it happening.

Good Luck Out There.

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