I think I messed up. Can I save the situation?

zaraoc asks: 

I met nice girl at a speed-dating event a few weeks ago. We exchanged email addresses and numbers and have been writing each other for a few weeks. We actually have a lot of thing in common so I tried a bold move and said that I wanted to meet her for a coffee or dinner to talk in person. She responded that she doesn’t know when she has time to meet and that she will tell me. After that we stopped writing each other for about a week. I suppose I messed up. Is there anyway I can save the situation, if it isn’t to late already ?

Demetrius says:

If you know one thing about me, you know that I have exactly zero qualms about calling out when someone screws something up. Despite your belief that you messed up, I think you did  almost everything right. Sometimes, things just dont work out. To answer your question, no, there isn’t any way to save this situation nor should you try to save this situation. Don’t let that discourage you in the future when it comes to dating though. You actually did almost everything right, so there really isn’t much to fix, besides your mindset. You were extremely quick to jump to “this is probably my fault” which is great in some ways, but bad in a lot of other ways. It’s great to recognize when you’re wrong and cop to it, because it shows a lot of maturity, but you shouldn’t apologize or feel bad about the things that are out of your hand. You didn’t do anything wrong, sometimes this is just how dating works.

Here’s why I said that “Almost Everything” was done correctly instead of everything. Quick rhetorical question for you: Who waits “a few weeks” to meet someone after getting their phone number? I’m not saying that waiting to set up a date after a few weeks was what ruined your shot, but it definitely didn’t help your shot. It’s entirely possible that delaying meeting wasn’t entirely on you, but in the future, try to minimize the time between initial contact and first date. If you’ve met in person or online, you shouldn’t be waiting any longer than 2 weeks to meet, barring any extraordinary circumstances. If you’ve been waiting for more than a month they probably aren’t all that interested in actually meeting you.

That whole “she doesn’t know when she has time to meet and will tell you” thing was a clear sign that she wasn’t interested. She might have hit it off with you at the speed-dating event, but she also could have just as easily changed her mind for a variety of reasons. Don’t get too caught up on the why of it though, because well, the reason why doesn’t matter because it’s not something you can fix. People lose interest, or someone new enters their life, and sometimes there is nothing you can do to change that. Don’t dwell on the infinite number of possibilities of why’s, because you’ll just get stuck in a sadness spiral.

Ultimately, you can’t save things with this girl, nor do I think the situation is worth trying to salvage. You exchanged some emails and texts and that’s it. Not exactly the height of romance you’re talking about here. With that said, let’s focus on all the things you can do so that you wont lose the interest of the next girl in-between meeting and the first date. Here’s some advice for the next girl you meet:

  • Keep your conversations light, but meaningful. Small talk is for talking in person, not text or email.
  • Plan to meet within 1 to 2 weeks of positive contact (once she replies to your email)
  • When planning to meet, actually have a plan. “Let’s meet here, for this activity, at this time and date“. Replace the bold with the activity of your choice
  •  Don’t dwell on the ones who aren’t interested. Give them the same amount of thought/energy/time that they are giving you.

That’s really all there is to it. It sounds simple because the hardest parts, connecting with someone, are out of your hands and left to a combination of luck and timing.  Just keep working at dating, and not dwelling on people who aren’t interested in you, and you’ll do fine.

Good Luck Out There.

Reply