She’s trying to reconnect. What should I do?

the_realest_mvp asks: 
Earlier this year I went on a date with this girl (we’re both 18) and we got along well and she seemed interested in me at first, but as we went on she went cold and I couldn’t get a second date with her (she actually said she didn’t want a second date). Around 2 months later of us not talking, she has started talking to me again, and she seems interested – but I’m not sure.

At first we was just talking as normal but recently, if I don’t text her for a day or two she’ll accuse me of ‘neglecting her’ and she said something that (to me anyway) seemed as though she was jealous because I was talking to someone else.

I’ve not really dated anyone before so I’m not really sure if she wants to date me or if she just wants to be friends, I’d love to hear your opinions on that. I really like her and I was thinking of telling her next time she does that ‘neglecting me’ text, but if she doesn’t like me back, tell her I don’t really want to be friends (I don’t really want to be in some friend-zone BS) or would that be weird? Do you guys have any better way to deal with that? Any advice would be appreciated – thanks in advance =)

Demetrius says:

This is one of my favorite kinds of questions! When it seems like you’re asking one thing or things when really we should be asking a whole different question, those are always my favorite! So, here’s what you’re asking:

  • Does she want to date me, or just be friends?
  • Is it weird if I tell her that I’m romantically interested, but not looking for a friendship instead of a romantic relationship?

But here’s what I’m thinking we should ask:

  • Is the sort of person who says that you’re “neglecting her” after a 1 or 2 day absence via text WHEN YOU’RE NOT YET DATING worth dating?

You might think, based on the emphasis I placed above, that maybe this person isn’t worth trying to date, but you’d be wrong. I actually have no real opinion honestly, this is a question you’re going to have to answer for yourself. I wouldn’t date someone like that, but I’m also not an 18-year-old. I’m 30 years old and the idea of having to text someone everyday who isn’t my girlfriend just sounds exhausting. Maybe I’m getting old? Anyway, yeah, I’m not saying you should or shouldn’t date this girl, just understand that the whole “neglecting her” thing is a larger issue then you might think. She is someone who seeks out and craves attention, and the texting will only be a small part of it. Chances are that she’ll require a lot of your time, will get jealous of anyone who you spend a significant amount of time with, and will be generally territorial about you and your attention. Maybe that sounds like something you want in your life, but I would be wary. Wanting to hear from your boyfriend every day is pretty normal, but you guys aren’t even that close. She also seems to be very hot and cold. You go on one date, she’s not interested, then two months later she’s pursuing you. Again, the decision is yours, but you have to know that the demands for texting and attention will only increase if you guys start dating.

With that out-of-the-way, let’s talk about your concerns. Does she want to date you? Of course! Why would she resurface and reach out to you if she didn’t want to date you? If you want to date her knowing what that will entail, go for it. Ask her for that very delayed second date. She’s into you, otherwise she wouldn’t be asking you to text her more frequently. I know you’re young but in the future try to remember that people who are attracted to you generally want to maximize the time spent either with you or communicating with you.

Now, I could be wrong, so let’s see about figuring out the best way to express romantic interest with no interest in being friends. If that’s what you think is best, there is a way to do it, but you have to realize that no matter how tactfully it’s done, there still is an off-chance that you will offend her. Imagine being told “You’re good enough to pursue romantically, but not as a friend“. Most people would find that offensive, but I get where you’re coming from. It’s not that you don’t want to be friends, but the idea of reverting to friends after romantic interest makes you uncomfortable. If you’re worried about being friend-zoned, ask her point-blank what she’s looking for. If she says friendship only, tell her you’re not interested and explain why. If she’s interested in dating, no need to explain your fear of the friendzone. It’s as simple as that

With all that said, approach the whole situation with caution if you do decide to pursue her. If she wants this much attention after 1 date and no contact for 2 months, imagine how much attention she’ll need after things get more serious.

Good Luck Out There.

4 Replies to “She’s trying to reconnect. What should I do?”

  1. From a woman’s perspective I would agree she is def attention seeking and also playing games. It’s the whole let me see what he will say or see if I’m the only one he’s texting even though she probably is using this same conversation with other people she’s texting as well.

    She’s interested possibly but not enough to carry on a mature situation right now. She’s just trying to get him to ask her out too smh to be 18 again

    1. I’m glad you agree, and appreciate a woman’s perspective. At 18, I think that this behavior is…maybe not the best, but not the worst. People grow and mature out of that sort of behavior (usually anyway) and at 18 I definitely would have and did date the girl who sought attention purely to play games. At 18, sure, give it a shot. At 28, you definitely don’t want to be dating that girl.

  2. Girls like attention. I speak for myself. Sometimes we like to have that good guy showing us some love us but only until someone we like more comes along. Don’t get played.

    1. Agreed on the “Don’t get played” part. I’d be wary of someone who requires a lot of attention before an actual connection is made. Chances are you’re being used if someone wants all your attention before you’re actually a serious item. They’re probably just using you to get their attention high until the bigger better deal comes around.

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