How long before I confront her about her mind games?

AscensionCommando asks: 

Hi! I’m 21 and I’ve been seeing this girl (just turned 20) for the past weeks, that strangely I’ve known since about January. We started talking quite a bit then and then it just faded out towards the spring and we didn’t talk for a while. Anyway, I came back to the city the first of August after being on abroad for 2 months. I texted her right when I got back saying that I’m back in town. We talked a bit that day and she was really eager to meet me after she was done with work.

We met up and sat and talked in a park and started bonding. After that we said goodnight and went our own ways. I really don’t feel like rushing anything, which I usually do and end up in a mess. We text each other every day and meetup every other day. I take it slow as I said, but eventually the first kiss came, and it felt really good to have taken that step. It was her birthday on Saturday and I bought her a present. I tried to be creative and gave it to her the day after and she really liked it, like a tear came to her eye liked it. We talk as usual over text and we decided to meet up again two days ago. Things got more intense, rougher kissing, and we go home to me where we have really nice sex, for the first time. She sleeps in my bed until she has to go home in the morning.

Yesterday around six in the afternoon I ask her what she’s up to, as I’m on my way to the gym. It took two hours for her to respond that she’s doing nothing, just chilling. She usually responds in a span of 5 to 15 minutes, less if she’s “home and chilling”. I ask her what she’s doing this weekend and tell her that maybe I’ll be busy some of my friends come back to town on Sunday, and I’ll have to spend a lot of time with them. After three hours she responds “I’m working a little in the weekend, and yeah we should do something :)” As I get the message I’m about to fall asleep, and i basically say “I’m going to sleep now, goodnight :)” She hasn’t opened the message in 14 hours.

We communicate on Snapchat, and she’s put up stories after I sent the last message. It feels like the beginning of a mind game, which I hate. I’ve been in these situation loads of times before but I never know what to do when I’m a part of them. What should I say? Is it worth it dealing with a girl like this, or should I move on? Should I acknowledge this behaviour firmly? I don’t want this to be a long and dreaded process. Thank you.


Demetrius says:

It’s always funny to see the difference between what a someone thinks are mind games versus what a someone else thinks are mind games. If I told you that you were the one playing mind games, would you believe me?

What the heck are mind games besides willful deception? Most parts of dating involves mind games, but whether those mind games are malicious or just tricks you use to not come off too aggressive is a whole different story. People tend to think that following dating rules means they are not playing mind games, but if someone else is following certain dating rules that is “playing games”. We’re always told to not come on too strong when you first dating someone, but what if that’s your natural dating style? What if you’re the type to always go full throttle when you pursue someone romantically? Would you keep doing it, knowing that it’s an immediate turn off for most people, or would you force yourself to not be as aggressive so that the person you’re pursuing gets to know you better. Given time, you’d get them acclimated to your style and they’d do the same and you’d both slowly build a connection. I think we all play a bit of mind games when we date, but the scope and intent are really the things we talk about when we talk about people playing “games”. I think you have to figure out a balance between what you would normally do and what you know would be suitable when you first meet someone. You might think that’s not playing games, but it is.

What I’m saying is, it’s entirely possible she’s playing games with you, but weren’t you playing games with her?

I really don’t feel like rushing anything, which I usually do and end up in a mess.”

That’s what you said, right? You know that there is a part of you that is prone to coming on too strong and that usually turns people off, so you went at a pace that you thought would make her comfortable and wouldn’t turn her off. What would you call that? White lies? Playing games? Harmless deception? Now you’re concerned that she hasn’t responded to you as promptly as you would like. So, it’s okay for you to play games around timing and pace but when she does it, it’s suddenly a life or death situation?

To answer your actual question, YES, feel free to call her out. One caveat though, if you want to call her out, be sure to cop to your own mind games. Not comfortable doing that, or feel that what you were doing playing any mind games? Don’t call her out. Have you never heard of the saying “People in glass houses should not throw stones”? Because trust me, what you were doing was a mind game, even if you didn’t have bad intentions, and it’s entirely possible that she’s doing THE EXACT SAME THING YOU WERE DOING.

I understand you’re young so I’ll hip you to some things. Sometimes, people get busy. I know this sounds crazy to you, but occasionally, people get caught up in whatever they were up to that day and don’t check their phones as often as you’d like. Maybe she was bingeing on Netflix, or maybe she was hanging out with her mom, or maybe she was with friends talking about that awesome sex she just had, and wasn’t checking her phone. Personally I think it’s unrealistic to expect someone to reply to a text 5 to 15 minutes after you send it, but hey, that’s just me. I’m a busy guy with a busy life. The fact that you’re communicating literally every day and when she didn’t respond to a text within 15 minutes you questioned if she’s playing games with you is ridiculous. You need to chill. You’re debating whether or not to end things with a girl because she didn’t reply to one text quickly enough, and because she didn’t open a nothing text you sent (probably because she read it in her notifications without having to open it). Sorry but no, you’re the one playing mind games here, not her.

I wish I had more constructive advice for you besides criticizing you but I don’t. I think you need to be called out for being way too intense about two text messages and you need to chill. That’s the best advice I can give you and honestly, the advice you need. You admitted that you come on too strong and rush things and that is exactly what you’re doing. Calling her out is going to end in a mess and you will not be the one in the right.

So for now, I’d advise you to chill out and disregard her lack of responsiveness, plan an actual date with her again instead of telling her when you can’t see her, and stop projecting your own insecurities onto this girl. If she ends up being flaky after this, then we can talk about her playing games. For now, just relax and try not to freak out.

Good Luck Out There.

5 Replies to “How long before I confront her about her mind games?”

    1. Thank you! People need to realize that games aren’t always bad, as long as your intent isn’t malicious. I’m a huge romantic and I love grand gestures, but I know that if I’m brand new to dating someone, I might want to not give a girl a bouquet of roses on date #1.

    1. Great point about not wasting a lot of time! I think when people pull the hot and cold thing months or a year into a relationship, call them out. A week or two in? Wait and see how it plays out. I was just reading this piece! Can’t wait to comment

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