Is inviting her to my place for dinner too much for a 1st date?

anonymous5757 asks:

[M/23] So I’m planning on inviting a [F/21] whom I work with to my apt for dinner and to watch her favorite NFL team play a preseason game. We text about every other day and have talked some outside of work at a friend’s party but we haven’t hung out just 1 on 1. I’m not 100% sure if she would be comfortable with coming over which is why I’m also considering just seeing if she would want to meet up for coffee instead. I’d prefer to have her come over to my place, unfortunately I struggle with some social anxiety in public places and I know if we just hung out at my place I personally would be more comfortable and feel I could be more like myself. But at the same time If she feels better meeting somewhere in public then I can be flexible to do what she prefers. I may just be overthinking this but some insight/suggestions would be very much appreciated. All the best!


Demetrius says:

The idea of a date being “too much” depends entirely on the people you go on a date and their perceptions of you. For someone people, dinner and tv at your place is a perfectly acceptable first date. For others, dinner and tv at your place is an invitation for sex. There is no black and white in this scenario, but I can tell you how your date idea will be perceived before you move on. The decision is up to you, and I can honestly say I’ve done the apartment first date several times with no ulterior motives. I’ve also suggested it and completely turned off a person so much so that they didn’t want to meet. For that reason, I suggest you tread carefully.

Apartment or house dates are often interpreted as being purely about sex. I’m not saying that is your intention, but that’s generally how people view apartment dates, as the date where you try to convince someone to sleep with you. Depending on who you ask, yes, an apartment date as a first date is too much for them, and that especially holds true for relationship minded women. It’s entirely possible that you’re being sincere in saying that the apartment date idea is because of convenience and comfort, but it’s possible that it won’t be perceived that way. When someone suggests the “Netflix and chill” date, as the apartment date has been colloquially rebranded, most people will assume that it’s a pretense for some sex act or sexual escalation. It’s entirely possible that this girl will not think that way and will take your invite at face value so don’t think you can’t ask her to your place, just know what her perceptions might be.

If you want to move forward with asking her over to your place on a first date, you have to be honest about why you’re doing it, and offer a plan B. If your interest is only sexual, that’s cool too, no judgment here, just don’t pretend it’s not. You don’t need to go into a lot of detail about why you prefer an apartment date, so it can be as simple as saying that you don’t like bars all that much and would love to cook or prepare a dinner to share over football.  Give her an option that you’d feel most comfortable with and she would be comfortable with as an alternative. I think your suggestion of coffee is a great idea because it will be chill and low commitment for both of you.

Bear in mind that this is still a stranger, so it might be better to do at least one date at a public place before your apartment date, even if your motives are genuine. If nothing else, it lets you figure out if you actually want this person in your apartment. If you’re already at the point where you already know her personally, then by all means, ask her to your place, just know how it will come off. Since you’re young I’ll tell you this: The most unconvincing thing you can do is tell someone what your intentions are not. Saying “I’m inviting you over for dinner and sports watching but have no intention of seducing you” is exactly what someone would say who wanted to seduce someone. Don’t do it! Instead just be honest about why you want to do an apartment date if she asks. There’s nothing wrong with saying that the environment will be more relaxed, you’ll cook, and we’ll be able to watch the team you love play sports without dealing with a rowdy sports bar.

Tread carefully, but if feel free to ask her to your apartment, just make sure you have an alternate date in mind. At worst, she’ll say no and you’ll have to do a coffee date. If she agrees, it’s a win-win.

Good Luck Out There.

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