I like my bestfriend, but I don’t think it’s mutual. What do you think?

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THAT_WAS_TITS asks:

Ok so I’m just gonna start at the beginning. I’m an 18y/o guy and she’s an 18 y/o girl. We met during freshman orientation during the summer and between that and the start of the school year we were texting each other and snapchatting like everyday. Now that we are in school we do practically every thing together, we eat, study, do homework, go to parties, etc. The problem is that I really, really like her, and I’m pretty average, but she is really pretty so she constantly has guys falling all over her. She is always texting or messaging matches on tinder even tho she always says that she is still in love with her ex that dumped her for the second time last month. We are extremely comfortable around each other and since we are always together people will actually ask me where she is, or tell me if it looks like I’m looking for someone. I don’t know what to do, I want to tell her how I feel but I just don’t see her feeling the same way. Also I don’t know if I’m willing to risk losing such a good friend that I’m going to be in the same classes with for the next 6 years because of our same major.


Demetrius says:

Oh you crazy kids and your Snapchat. I remember the days of talking on a landline for hours with the person you liked, and now you guys get to send little expiring video clips to each other to flirt. I both envy you and feel a little sad for you to be honest. Alright, I’ll stop reminiscing and just get into your question.

You don’t actually say what you’re looking for here in terms of next steps but I’ll assume it’s advice and a potential resolution. It seems like you’ve reached a crossroads in your relationship and need a push in one direction or the other so don’t worry, I can push you along. You like her a lot, and you clearly want to spend a lot of time with her but want to *maybe* take it to the next level. On the other hand, not being able to tell her how you really feel about her must feel like torture to you. On the other (other) hand, telling her could potentially lead to some very awkward interactions over a very long period of time, so you have some hesitance to go through with it. This is definitely a tough call to make.

After reading your situation, here’s what I think is the worst case scenario for not-telling versus telling:

A) You maintain the status quo and endure years of torture because you feel like you can’t express your feelings

OR

B) You tell her and lose the friendship and make your interactions with her awkward for the next 6 years

 

Both seem like pretty bleak prospect, but they remember that they are also the worst case scenario I could think of. Now, here’s is the best case scenario I could think of:

A) You keep quiet about your feelings for her to maintain the status quo. You continue your friendship and one day she realizes you were the one all along

OR

B) You tell her how you feel and she realizes that you are a great fit for her

 

You have to make that call, and bear in mind that I’m thinking in terms of best/worst case and whatever you decide might actually give you different results. Maybe she decides to date you, but wants to do so non-monogamously because she’s still rebounding and is reluctant to commit to anyone. Maybe she decides that you should remain friends and it wont be awkward at all. There are tons of ways this could play out, I just wanted to give you a run down of the likely risks versus the likely rewards.

With that out-of-the-way, here’s what I’d do in your shoes: Nothing.  I would not, in any way, shape or form, try to pursue her romantically. The reason why has nothing to do with the “risk the friendship and future awkwardness” thing, it has more to do with the fact that she’s rebounding. If she just got out of a relationship, is still in love with her ex, and already has a bunch of Tinder conversations going, maybe now isn’t the best time to try to date her. Yes she’s fun, and attractive, and probably a great match for you on a superficial level, but is she the right person to date RIGHT NOW? Probably not! She’s still in love with her ex and she’s got a bunch of Tinder guys on the back-burner…you really want to jump into that situation? I’m sure she’s a wonderful girl but maybe now isn’t the best time to try to date her.

Side note: I wouldn’t be too concerned with the fact that you perceive her to be physically more attractive than you. Trust me, women are way more forgiving about “dating down” thing when it comes to looks compared to their male counterparts. That wont be your biggest barrier to dating her, the bigger barrier would be that she’s in love with her ex who just broke up with her last month. Odds are good that whether she would or wouldn’t date you in the future, telling her how you feel right now would be a big mistake. Timing is a big deal and bringing up your attraction to her now might ruin any chance you may or may not have had.

It’s up to you to decide, but I’d avoid telling her how you feel and pursuing her until she could actually date you in a best case scenario. If you wait it out and decide to tell her and she tells you she’s not interested, that’s okay. I do think you should tell her at some point because I’d rather know where I stand with someone versus spending 6 years wondering “What if?”. It wont be as awkward as you think if she’s as good a friend as you think. As long as you don’t make it awkward, or keep trying to push your attraction on her you’ll be fine.

Good Luck Out There.

2 Replies to “I like my bestfriend, but I don’t think it’s mutual. What do you think?”

  1. Had a nice laugh after reading that first line. Aahhh. It was 9th grade. I would stay up all night hidden under my blanket, talking to my girlfriend over the landline. Whispering sometimes, since I was afraid my mom would come in and catch me. Good times!

    Dating has become so much easier in today’s world.

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