Just ended an Engagement. How long before I start dating?


B1ahB1ahB1ahB1ah asks:

My fiance and I broke up a little over 3 weeks ago. We still live in the same house at the time just until we can sort out all the financial stuff and I can get my own place. We have been dating for about 1.5 years and engaged for only 3 months. I know I can’t jump into a relationship immediately, but has anyone gone through something similar and if so, how long did it take you to get over that person and start dating again?

Demetrius says:

I’ve never been engaged, but I have been in a similar situation. I dated someone for somewhere between 1 year and 1 year and a half and while living together, we broke up. At the time, I was 23 years old, made little money, and had no real savings to speak of so after the breakup, I had to figure out my living situation. We lived together for another 2 months while I was saving and trying to find a place that I could afford. Eventually I found a place I could afford and moved out on my own. The place was a dump, but I finally got my own place. That was the point where I started dating, and that’s the point I think that you should start dating based on your situation.

There isn’t an exact science to when you should start dating again, but a good rule of thumb is “when you don’t live with your ex-fiance”. It doesn’t always work out that way, and who knows, maybe you can start dating right now, but living with an ex-fiance is a bit much to explain to any potential dates. It’s hard to date and meet women when you have to explain your living situation to them, especially if that living situation is “currently living with my ex, who I was going to marry, no big deal. I’m not saying it’s impossible to date in your current situation, I’m just saying that maybe you shouldn’t date right now. Obvious reasons aside, dates cost money, and if you’re sorting through financial stuff, maybe taking up a hobby that requires money isn’t the best idea.

Now, taking your living situation, and the fact that your engagement just ended (my condolences?) out of the equation, I want to give you some general advice. There isn’t a hard and fast rule on when you’ll be ready to date, so much as there is the general rule of “date when you feel comfortable dating”. If you’re breakup was particularly contentious, you might find that dating immediately is exactly what you need to move on. On the other hand, if it was a long, drawn out breakup with some lingering feelings, maybe you need to wait awhile. If you decided to wait a couple of months to date that’d be okay, and if you only waited a couple of days or a week, that’s okay too. The only thing you have to do is figure out where you are post-breakup. Could you possibly get back together with your ex? Are you still in love? Is this one of those situations where you break-up, cool-off, then get back together. You have to figure out where you stand emotionally, and what the odds are of getting back together. You can have some doubt, but you need to acknowledge that doubt.

Now once you’ve got all that figured out, and you think you’re ready to date, you have to be honest about your situation when you start dating. If you’re not emotionally available and aren’t looking for anything serious, be upfront about that. If you’re recently single but 100% ready to date for whatever reason, be honest about that too.

Remember, only you’ll know when you’re ready to date on an emotional level.The time it takes to get over someone varies from person to person. At minimum, don’t start dating until you get your own place. Even if you still think you should date, remember that dating is a luxury, and if you’re saving up to get your own place, spending money on dates will only delay your inevitable move.

Good Luck Out There.

4 Replies to “Just ended an Engagement. How long before I start dating?”

    1. haha Freudian slip indeed! I will say, without kissing and telling too much, that at 30, I’ve been single more often between now and when I was 18 years old then I have been in relationships. I was, up until about 2013, a serial bachelor. Now, I’m a bit more commitment minded (to go along with the new gray hairs and weird pains in weird places when I wake up).