I made out with a guy on the first date. He thinks we went “too far”

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garbonzo_bean asks:

I met the man in question at a friend’s birthday party. We seemed to hit it off and I enjoyed talking to him. I was really surprised when he told me he was 21 as he seemed to be the same age as everyone else there. We said goodnight without incident and when I got home I saw he had found me on Facebook. We chatted a bit and he gave me his number. At the party I had mentioned I hadn’t been to see a band in ages and missed it, so he invited me to see a band. I thought that was thoughtful. We held hands and danced a bit, it was nice. At the end of the night I asked him how he was getting home and he said he was cabbing it to the very other end of the city, as the subway was closed, a 50 dollar cab ride. I suggested we go back to mine since I live like ten minutes away. He seemed eager to go home with me. Anyway, one thing led to another and there was some intense kissing and under-the-clothes touching. He gave me a serious hickey. While I generally don’t have sex on the first date, making out seems pretty harmless. The next morning he was really anxious about it, worrying that he had ruined everything by getting carried away. He said he was looking for more than a hook up and wanted us to “make love”. He also got a nosebleed and asked me not to change in front of him. Today he texted me saying he saw some movie where a couple waits 12 dates to have sex and thought it would be fun if we did the same. What movie is this? I hope I haven’t scared him off or that he thinks less of me. He was the one that initiated the kissing so it’s weird to me that he is so uncomfortable with it. I worry he is insecure about sex or is a virgin/ very inexperienced. I agree it’s good to wait a bit for sex, but I’m nearly 26 and tongue kissing on the first date is hardly scandalous.


Demetrius says:

So much to unpack here! Okay, let’s start at the very top.

For starters, there isn’t anything wrong with what you did. You hit it off with a guy and made out with him on your first date. Perfectly fine! Even the more prudish among us would agree that make-outs on a first date aren’t exactly “moving too fast”. Personally, I don’t care what someone does on a first date a long as there is consent and protection involved, but I’m aware that a lot of people aren’t as open-minded about sex as I am. Still though, I think you’ll find it pretty difficult to find someone who will judge you for kissing a lad you fancy on date #1. I will judge you for the hickey though, because hickey’s are gross. SHAME. (I’m kidding about the shame, but I really don’t like them).

Okay, that’s out of the way. Now let’s talk aboutabout this guy. I’m thinking of three situations where his response to the situation (make-out, 2nd base under the shirt, hickey) makes sense. Here’s what I could come up with:

  1. He’s a virgin or very inexperienced
  2. He’s conflicted about his sexuality
  3. He’s immature

The virgin/inexperienced thing makes a lot of sense with all the context you’ve given. I think the last time I gave a hickey was when I was a virgin and I think that might be true for a lot of people out there. His preoccupation with the speed at which things are happening makes sense if you have little-to-no experience to compare it against. If you’ve never been kissed and have romanticized kissing as a major romantic milestone, kissing someone on the first date would seem like you’re moving WAY TOO FAST. Also, the nosebleed. Some people have nosebleeds when feeling anxious or under stress and I can think of nothing more stressful than doing something unfamiliar to you.

On the other hand, it’s entirely possible that he’s experienced, just a bit conflicted about his sexuality. No, I don’t mean that he’s gay, what I mean is that he hasn’t come to terms with his sexuality and desires and his own feelings about them. Depending on his background and upbringing, he could feel a certain amount of shame around kissing and other sexual acts. If his desire for sex is at odds with a conservative mindset when it comes to sexuality, it would make sense that he’d first push for an invite over to your place, make out with you, then blame you saying things were moving too fast. Shifting blame for behaviors you’re conflicted about is a move that people often do. It’s why cheaters often accuse their partners of cheating on them. It would make a lot of sense if he was taught “Sex is bad” and cannot reconcile that thought with the conflicting thought that “Sex is good”.

Also entirely possible and very likely is the fact that you read him wrong and that he is just immature. Look, you say that you met him and that you were surprised that he was 21 but maybe your initial read was off. Here’s why I’m thinking he’s just plain immature: He takes hints from movies about what he should do with his sex life. By the way, I have no clue what movie that is, but it did make me think of the Josh Hartnett led film “40 Days and 40 Nights” about a guy who swears off sex for the aforementioned time-frame. Not to be confused with “30 Days of Night” which is maybe one of the better vampire concept movies in a very long time. Anyway,no clue what movie that is but the movie doesn’t matter so much as the fact that it’s a sign of immaturity to let pop culture determine what you do in dating. How is that different from the guy who watches some stupid frat-bro comedy and decides that he will approach dating the way they do?

These are just three likely reasons, and it’s possible that it’s not as simple as I made it seem above, but does it really matter? Whatever the reason may be, you’ve already said in no few words that his pace isn’t something you’re comfortable with. If that’s really the case, he might not be the guy for you. If 12 dates is too long to wait, you’re better off meeting someone who is a better fit for you.

Good Luck Out There.

2 Replies to “I made out with a guy on the first date. He thinks we went “too far””

  1. Sounds like he is conflicted…maybe its a religious thing?! I think the religious ones have this cloud of guilt around having sex, etc. Just a though.

    Either way, doesn’t sound like he is right for you. Nothing wrong with waiting 12 dates…it wouldn’t be too long if it was the right person…but obviously your at a different place in your life.

    Dem – we’d love your thoughts on my latest post : https://rinsebeforeuse.wordpress.com/2015/12/03/a-beautiful-mind-dating-street-smart-vs-book-smart/

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