The guy I’m dating is pushing for sex. How do I handle this?

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taybous12 asks:

So I (25f) met this guy (23m) a week ago. Since then have seen each other every other day. Two dinners, walks around parks all things that have been very nice and not even sex driven. Friday night he slept over and I made it clear no sex. He tried a bit but I told him a firm no. Then last night we went to this Christmas thing and after we end up at his place where I say I’m not ready for sex again yet and things got very weird. I did give him a blow job, maybe not the best decision. Anyways night ended with me awkwardly leaving his place later that night. Usually he sets plans with me in that moment and when I asked when I would see him again he said “I’ll let you know maybe Thursday.” Do you think this guy is a lost cause? does it sound like he’s only after sex?


Demetrius says:

Here’s where I pull back the curtain on dating a bit. There are two major reasons why someone will try to go on as many dates as possible with a person in as little time as possible. One of the reasons is so that they are infatuated and want to spend as much of time with that person as possible. The other reason I can think of is that it’s technically a work-around to the “x number of dates before sex” rules. If a person is playing the numbers and realizes that a lot of people will have sex on the 3rd date, regardless of the time it takes to get to the 3rd date, why not shorten the timeline? If you go on 5 dates in a week, or 10 in 2 weeks, the whole “It took 10 dates for me to sleep with him” sounds good, even if it took two weeks. It’s a sneaky work-around that can work. Most people put arbitrary time-frames on sexual milestones and gaming those time-frames is dishonest, if it works it works and people will do it. It’s sort of like the first week of class when you find out how many absences you can take before you fail. Chances are good that most people will strategically use those absences to attend a cool party or event. Shady, but not completely wrong.

With that said, it sounds like he was definitely trying to game you. Within 7 days you went on 2 dinner dates, a couple walks in the parks, he slept over one night, then you slept over his place another night after doing a holiday party. If you’re wondering why he’s been more pushy about sex it’s because in his head, he’s taken you on just about 5 dates. To you, it’s a week and you don’t know him that well. You’re not someone who is waiting on an arbitrary timeline to sleep with him, he’s noticed that, and he’s probably lost interest in going on more dates, or maybe he’ll stop trying to escalate the time-frame. He probably thought that somewhere between dates 3 and 5 he’d have a chance to get in your pants. That didn’t happen, so maybe he’s re-evaluating his approach.

It sounds like this guy is a lost cause, if only because he’ll just weigh his options and realize that sleeping with you will take more work than he wants to put in and just quit. It sounds like he’s mostly after sex. Not only after sex, just mostly after sex. It seems like he put in effort to taking you on actual dates, even on an accelerated timeline, since most of what you did was not invites over for Netflix and Chill. I want to be clear and say that I’m not judging him for mostly wanting sex. What 23-year-old isn’t mostly looking for sex? Yes there are exceptions obviously, but a 23-year-old man being sex driven isn’t surprising to me nor should it be to you. Who knows what would have happened if you slept with him, but I don’t want to categorically say all he wanted was sex…but it was definitely a large part of what he wanted. Once he realized that wasn’t an option, he lost interest.

Regardless of whether or not he only wanted sex, it’s safe to assume he’s a lost cause. Even if he wants to follow-up with another date, maybe you’re just not compatible sexually. If he wants sex this early on, he wont suddenly not want to sleep with you until you’re ready. He’ll continue pushing the envelope until you have sex with him or do something you regret a bit. Not that I think you should regret anything, it’s just that you admit that oral sex wasn’t the best decision, which sounds like regret to me. If you need a lot of time before meeting, dating, then sex, maybe he isn’t the right guy for you. If you’re looking for more slower paced, less sex driven dating, I’d suggest dating men older than you, not younger than you. It’s not foolproof, but a man at 23-years-old usually has very different dating and sex priorities than a man at 30-years-old.

Good Luck Out There.

2 Replies to “The guy I’m dating is pushing for sex. How do I handle this?”

  1. I just had dinner next to a couple on a date. He was behaving so badly. I wanted to tell her to get up and leave. My sons wouldn’t let me interfere. We need to learn to walk way. Say no. Know that we deserve better.

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