He invited me over to his place. Does he just want sex?

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alittlemind asks:

We have been seeing each other for about a month now, tonight being our fifth date. We have made out before but not had sex – I’m not ready to have sex with him yet. Yesterday he asked me if I wanted to come over to his apartment tonight, since his parents aren’t home. He didn’t mention that he wanted us to watch a movie, or eat dinner or anything else, which makes me suspicious. I really like him, and I want to see him, so I said yes. But what if he only asked me to come over to hook up? He seems to genuinely like me and wants to get to know me, but… I don’t know. I guess I’m just worried. Could I maybe suggest him that we did something together, to show him that I’m not coming over for sex, or how do you think I should handle this?


Demetrius says:

Before we start, let’s just answer your questions first:

  1. But what if he only asked me to come over to hook up? Yes, his primary goal for inviting you over was sex.
  2. Could I maybe suggest him that we did something together, to show him that I’m not coming over for sex, or how do you think I should handle this? Yes, of course you can.

Now I want to be clear when I say that his primary goal when he asked you to his place was for sex, but not that he’s purely sex driven. It’s perfectly natural to want to sleep with someone you’re dating, but that doesn’t mean that your desire to sleep with them is the end all be all of dating them. By the 5th date, most people assume that sex is probably on the table or soon to be a possibility. It’s clear that you aren’t ready for sex yet, and he was, or at least was ready for it to be a possibility. There’s nothing inherently wrong with either of your opinions on sex, whether it’s his willingness to do so after 5 dates or your lack of willingness to do so 5 dates in. We all have different paces at which we date and unless someone is trying to force or coerce you into doing something you’re not comfortable with, there isn’t anything wrong with having misaligned dating wants. You just need to speak up when your partner wants something you’re not comfortable with.

Of course you can take this opportunity to make it clear that you aren’t ready to have sex. Now, how you do it is entirely up to you. You can be blunt and say “Listen, if I come over I don’t want to have sex” which may come off as too forward or insulting, or you can do it in a roundabout way that allows him to save face. I’m not telling you that it’s your job to allow men to save face as a woman, I’m just laying out your options. Honestly, I don’t think telling someone who you don’t want to sleep with yet that you don’t want to sleep with them yet is inherently bad or insulting, but I can’t speak for everyone. I’ve had women tell me that they don’t want to come over to my place because they’re not ready to have sex and I’ve said “Okay, cool” and that was that. Then again, I’ve got the whole indifferent thing going so saving face really isn’t something I ever need to do. If the boy you’re seeing is also as young as you are (19) then it’s possible that calling him out on what is a very obvious move on his part to have sex might insult his dignity a bit. If you don’t want to risk it, not that you can’t or should feel obligated to mollify him, you could say “I’d rather go out, because I wouldn’t want to go over and have things lead somewhere I’m not ready to go”. If he gets the hint, plan a date that’s more than just Netflix and Chill. If he plays dumb, or generally just doesn’t know what you’re implying, be explicit about what you think that invite means or might lead to. If he tells you it means something else (i.e. the invite is not about sex, just “privacy”), stick to your guns and ask for a date that involves not being in his place while his parents are away.

No matter what you do, or how you phrase it in this situation, remember that you should date at your own pace. If 5 dates is too short a time to give up the goods, be clear about that. Don’t feel pressured to do anything you aren’t ready to do whether that is sex, or being a situation where you think sex is expected. Dating is a partnership and if you’re worried that things are going too fast, don’t be afraid to stop and make sure you’re getting what you want out of dating.

Good Luck Out There.

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