She said she’s too busy to date. Think this is true?


thewindi asks:

I went on a few dates with this girl and it seemed we really hit things of, the only problem is we were both really busy with uni work. So I got a text from her saying I think we should just be friends as we have no time.

Firstly, is this her saying she don’t like me or that she actually has no time?
We see each other most days around campus, if we bump into each other alone we have a proper convo and I’m sure she’s a bit flirty, so should I ask her out after exams are over?

Demetrius says:

I often get asked this sort of question and my answer is often not what you want it to be. When people ask if something that someone says is true when they reject them, my answer will always be “Does it matter if it’s true?”. It’s a rhetorical question, because the answer is always No.

Let’s go through two scenarios: Scenario 1 is exactly the way you describe it above, but we know without a doubt that she’s being honest about being busy. Scenario 2 is the way you describe it above, but we know for certain that she’s being dishonest about being busy. What’s the one thing both scenarios have in common? Let me quote the linchpin of what she said back to you: “So I got a text from her saying I think we should just be friends.

Whether or not her stated motivation for ending things is true (i.e. her being busy) doesn’t matter as much as the fact that she’s come to the conclusion that she’d rather just be friends with you. Most challenges in dating can be overcome if both parties are willing to work,  and if someone isn’t willing to work, what’s the point in questioning them? You know how some couples break up because of long-distance and some don’t? Or how some couples are so busy they barely see each other and sometimes that breaks them up, and for some couples it doesn’t? Any challenge can make or break a couple, or burgeoning couple, so when someone says they’re too busy, or too stressed, or the distance is too much, it doesn’t matter if it’s actually true so much as it’s true to them. I always say that I would never date long distance and I don’t want to date women too much younger than me but I promise you that if Daisy Ridley called me from her London apartment and said “hey, let’s date long distance also I’m 8 years younger than you”  I wouldn’t tell her “sorry, you’re too far away and too young for me to date” because have you seen Daisy Ridley? If someone says that they want to breakup because of whatever reason (being busy, or distance, or lack of chemistry, etc.) then  save yourself a bunch of time wondering if the reason is true or not and take them at their word. People have tried to make relationships work with much larger obstacles than just generally being busy with school. If she wanted to balance things and still date you she could have.

Her saying that she was busy is probably a combination of actually being busy but also not being that interested in pursuing things with you. I wouldn’t recommend it but if you’re reading this and think I’m wrong, you could ask her out again, but you’d be wasting your time. Humans tend to do this thing where they pair rejections or negative statements with positive or polite sentiments. I’ve talked about it before, and even advised my readers to use technique. The fact that this girl is friendly and flirty when you see her doesn’t mean much other than the fact that she considers you a friend and flirts with you.

When someone says “hey let’s be friends” its safe to assume that they mean what they said. The stated reason for a breakup doesn’t matter so much as the breakup itself. I’ve dated people who said they were “too busy” to date who then turned around and started dating someone new immediately, and if you haven’t already you’ll encounter it too. Don’t focus on the specific language of a breakup (especially if there’s nothing to learn from it) and take rejections at face value. There’s no reason to make yourself busy asking if someone really was too busy to date you, make yourself busy trying to meet someone who has time to date you.

Good Luck Out There.

4 Replies to “She said she’s too busy to date. Think this is true?”

  1. Great answer Demetrius!
    I get this question all the time on my advice column and have done many videos with this line of questioning as part of a topic. When someone says something blunt like “I think we should just be friends” “I’m not ready to be in a relationship” or “I’m too busy to date” BELIEVE THEM!

    Why do people read something else into these very clear statements? It is much easier to remove yourself from them at that time then spend another year waiting for them to change their mind. This is why men and women get angry as the years go by and have a hard time finding a reciprocated partnership. They are doing you a favor to help you move into a much better place with someone who is ready. NEXT!