I recently matched with someone on a dating app and we seemed to be hitting it off. There was a lot of back and forth, we seemed to be hitting it off, then suddenly the conversation stopped. It’s not like they got rid of the app because I can still see them as an active member. I went back and checked our messages and I don’t think I said anything wrong, or that I was taking too long to ask them on a date. What gives?
You know, the problem of “Why?” has been on my mind a lot lately. Not your specific question, but rather, how searching for “Why?” causes more harm than good. At best, it’s a search for an answer that isn’t going to help in the long run, at worst it’s pointless navel gazing. Looking for someone else’s motivation is usually an exercise in futility, and I try to make that clear in a lot of my writing. “Why” usually doesn’t matter, because “Why” usually isn’t actionable. You can’t change the fact that sometimes, people just lose interest. Let’s say you disagree with my central idea and think that knowing the motives behind why this person, or people in general, stop messaging. If that is the case, here are some of the main reasons why people stop responding to messages:
- They lost interest in you. Not because of any specific reason, but because they just generally weren’t feeling a spark, or at least enough of a spark to warrant a date.
- They met someone else. Chances are good that if someone is using a dating app, they have more than one conversation going. Maybe one of those conversations turned into an in-real-life connection, and they’re prioritizing someone else.
- They realized you weren’t their type. Maybe that back and forth was actually them vetting you, realizing you aren’t a good fit, and rather than flat-out reject you, they decided to stop responding and assume you’ll get the hint.
- They’re taking a break from online dating. Dating can be exhausting and you know what, sometimes you need a break. Maybe they’re taking a break now and decided not to tell you, or anyone else about it.
- They deleted their dating app without deleting their account. Fun fact, I’ve actually encountered friends who met someone and jumped into a relationship but still had their Bumble or Tinder profiles up because they thought deleting the app meant deleting their profile. Fun fact, it doesn’t!
Now, let’s say that one of those, or a combination of those reasons is true, and if you asked directly you’d get an answer. Would that change what you do next? Probably not, right? Now, let’s say one of those reasons is true, but you’ll never get confirmation from the person on which reason is true. Would that change what you should do next? Probably not, right? At least I would hope not. Now, you can go back to your messages and check them to see if you were actually having a good conversation. If you notice that a lot of your messages weren’t pointed, and were generally small-talk centric, stop doing that. “Hi, how are you. How was your week/weekend” is something you say to someone you know, not a stranger. If your exchanges are full of those sort of messages, maybe don’t do that in the future.
If your messages were generally good, and it looks like they stopped messaging for one of the reasons above, unless your search for “Why?” is to improve your future messages, it’s a pretty fruitless search. Instead of searching for a reason why they stopped responding, or wondering why they stopped responding, just move on. Seriously, just move on. They lost interest in you? Move on. They met someone else? Move on. They decided you weren’t their type? Move on. They’re taking a break from online dating or deleted their app? Move on.
I’m not saying that knowing a motive is always fruitless, because knowing why your partner is mad at you when you’re in a relationship is kind of a big deal, but knowing why someone you’ve never met stopped messaging you is not important. Unless you were sending pictures of your dong, or had the dullest conversation ever, knowing why they stopped responding isn’t going to help, and fretting over why they stopped responding is only going to make you a tentative dater. In your case, stop worrying about why they stopped responding and move on. Simple as that.
Good Luck Out There.