No reply after asking her out. What went wrong?

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R_A_Throwaway_ asks:

I met a girl on Tinder and went out with her last Tuesday. It seemed to go well and I texted her the next day saying I had a great time, and she messaged me back agreeing. We chatted a little more that day and I brought up a second date but she was really busy for the weekend so we decided to talk about it later. Yesterday, I asked her how her weekend was going, and she replied almost immediately saying it was good. Again we chatted for a bit and I asked if she would be free again this upcoming Tuesday. She replied in a few minutes saying that she thought so, and then I asked if she wanted to go bowling and get ice cream, and I’m still waiting to hear back…

Did I do something wrong I’m not aware of? I’m just confused because she seemed very enthusiastic and was replying pretty quickly, and also agreed to the first date pretty quickly. It’s been 18 hours now, so should I still be waiting on response, or following up with her? Thanks in advance for the help.


 

Demetrius says:

I wrote the following in a recent piece , which I want to restate since I think it applies here:

"Ask pointed questions that serve one of these purposes. 
Either ask questions that help you determine if you want to go on a date 
with this person (i.e. check off your list of deal breakers), or date planning. 
If you're doing neither one of those things, you're failing at messaging in a meaningful way."

I’ll get back to that, so let’s lay out the sequence of events that led to where we are today:

  1. You matched and messaged on Tinder, then went on a date with her.
  2. You messaged her after the date telling her you had a great time.
  3. You messaged back and forth for a bit THEN you asked her on a second date. She was busy, so you decided to do date planning at a later time.
  4. You then messaged her back and forth for a bit, THEN you tried to set up a date. She gave you a maybe, then you suggested a date plan. So far she’s been unresponsive.

So what happened? You weren’t messaging with purpose. Here’s how the sequence of events should have gone, I’ll leave in my edits so you see what you should have done:

  1. You matched and messaged on Tinder, then went on a date with her.
  2. You messaged her after the date telling her you had a great time.
  3. You messaged back and forth for a bit THEN You asked her on a second date. She was busy, so you decided to do date planning at a later time.
  4. You then messaged her back and forth for a bit, THEN You tried to set up a date. She gave you a maybe, then you suggested a date plan. So far she’s been unresponsive.

If it’s not obvious what I’m saying, let me be crystal clear, your back and forth derailed your conversations. I know that your natural inclination is to do the small-talk, catch-up thing but, don’t. I’m not against small talk, but maybe save the small talk for people you have a small amount of interest in engaging with. Asking coworkers about their weekend? Fine. Asking friends-of-friends, or acquaintances, how work is going lately? Cool. Want to go on a second date with someone? Lead with that, not questions about their weekend.

Here’s the thing, whether you realize it or not, this girl has a lot of men pursuing her. Chances are good that right now she’s got at least 4 active conversations going with guys on Tinder who want to go on a date with her, or have already been on a date with her. Her time is limited, which you know because she’s already mentioned how busy she is, and instead of cutting to the chase and trying to plan a date, you did a whole dance around date-planning. Do you know what your competition was doing while you were asking how her weekend went? They were asking her on dates, because they  realized that if you’re in the early stages of dating you should make sure your text messaging/messaging on dating apps are either leading to a date or filtering out potential duds. Pretty much up until the point where you start dating someone seriously, or you just have the sort of texting interplay where you communicate often about substantive things, the “Hey, how was your weekend” is a pleasantry that can be skipped.

She might still respond, it has been less than a day after all, so if she does stop with the back-and-forth small talk stuff and stick to date planning. Save the small talk, which I hope will turn into meaningful conversations, for your next date.

Good Luck Out There.

5 Replies to “No reply after asking her out. What went wrong?”

      1. I think for younger people – Tinder can work. But they have to know it is mostly not about love, rather sex. And actually, I think Tinder is really bad for laziness, surfing, swiping from one to the other. For older people – like myself – coffee shops, bars, grocery stores. And of course the ordinary dating sites can work, but you have to be patient and well, VERY PATIENT. I like the old fashioned chance meetings.

  1. I feel the need to chime in here and give my thoughts from a female perspective. (Also my life is sad and I’m sitting at home on a Friday night ????)

    I don’t think this guy did anything wrong here. I think after a good first date, it’s nice to make some chit chat before setting up a second date. To cut right to the chase and plan a second date immediately would make me feel suffocated and makes the guy seem too intense. I think it’s sweet if a guy cares enough to make conversation and isn’t just treating me like a no-nonsense business transaction. This is of course assuming that he wasn’t messaging her with small talk for days and days before finally asking her out- that would get annoying. But from my interpretation, I don’t think that’s what happened.

    The reality is this girl just isn’t interested. If she was, she would have suggested an alternative date night when he first asked for a second date and she said she was busy. That’s the general rule of thumb – if they say they’re busy but don’t suggest an alternative, they’re not interested. (Unless they’re game playing, in which case you’ve dodged a bullet).

    Trust me, if she was truly interested, she’d make an effort to see him, even if she has other guys on the go. We always say that if a guy likes you, he’ll make time for you: it’s no different with girls. The fact that he made small talk before asking her out makes no difference– it’s very rarely one small thing like that that derails things.

    Also, for her to leave him hanging for 18 hours is just plain rude. Even if she finally replies, he should save his dignity and not go out with her at this point. She’s being very inconsiderate of his time, and is definitely scoping to see if better plans come along. This guy deserves better than that– as we always say to girls, you should never be someone’s backup.

    In summary- I don’t think this guy did anything wrong. He seems sweet and genuine, but unfortunately this girl just isn’t that into him. She also seems like a flakey diva, and there are much better women out there. ☺

    1. If it makes you feel better, I spent Friday night in too!
      I do like your point about transitioning directly from first date, then second date planning, and how that can be a bit overwhelming without some small talk inbetween. I’m actually of the same mindset as you, but I think we differ in how we read the situation. I interpreted the situation as him having way too much small talk in-between, like a week’s worth, but of course we’re both working off of a limited amount of info so either of our interpretations could be right. I assumed that was the case because between the first date and the actual solid attempt at planning a second date was about one week (Date was on 4/12, he texted her on 4/13 texting throughout the day then floated the idea of a second date without a plan, then reached out again on 4/18 and eventually asked if she was free on 4/19 with a plan). I think in his case he had a few days of small talk, which is fine, but it took him about a week to actually ask for the second date.
      With that said, I should add that I agree with you about cutting right to the chase. You shouldn’t immediately ask for a second date, there should be some small talk in between, I just read the situation as him having way too much small talk going on, so my advice was to minimize it. But yes, being no-nonsense about date planning can get a bit intense, so a balance is helpful.

      Beyond that, you make some great points about her interest. People will make time for the people that matter, so your points about her leaving him hanging are pretty spot on.

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