Opinions on body hair when in a casual relationship?

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tossaway009009 asks:

I’m currently in a casual relationship with a guy in his late 20s whom I was contemplating sleeping with without getting into a serious relationship with (yet). We aren’t really ready for an actual relationship so I’m cool with the whole idea of casual sex. However, I learned today that body hair is a turn off for him. I’ve went down on him once and saw he shaves down their himself. Never thought about it until now. I personally don’t care about body hair. I shave, but not often. Mostly due to the fact that I hate having to maintain it and the growth between shaves/waxing hurts me. It’s unnecessary to me to go through all that effort. I also don’t agree with the expectation that women HAVE to be hairless from the neck down to please men.

I wax my underarms, but I still hate shaving down there. I keep things groomed but shaving down there is so much effort and I don’t even know if this guy is worth all that. He shaves himself, so I guess it would be fair if I did the same if I planned on sleeping with him. Funny thing he said: he’s never met a girl who didn’t shave. What a small world he lives in.

I’m curious on body hair opinions from guys and girls alike, especially when you are just casually seeing the other person. Do you expect the other person to be hairless or at least groomed? Will you refuse to go down on someone if they’re got some hair? Would you go out of your way to shave if you were a ‘grower’? And if you were in a serious relationship, is body hair a deal breaker?

Bonus question: if a guy regularly shaves down there, is it a personal preference or does that mean he’s sleeping with other women often?


Demetrius says:

Well, I can’t help you with the body hair opinions from women, because hey, I’m a guy, so hopefully my readers of the lady-persuasion can chime in.

I was actually thinking about grooming and body hair because I was thinking of the prep work that women put into planning for dates and the expectations so many men have around a woman’s grooming patterns. A lot of people I’ve encountered make the argument that the traditional hetero model for first dates makes sense, where the man is expected to pay, because of the cost that goes into a woman’s prep for a date. Makeup, outfits, hair and nails, and more importantly, hair removal. The fact that so many women are expected to be as hairless as a newborn from their eyes down is interesting to put it mildly, and if I had to remove the same amount of hair from my body I’d be saying that men need to pay for first dates too. Seriously, guys, if you’re reading this imagine that before a date you needed to get your nails done, you probably buy a new outfit before a date, you might get a haircut or a blowout, then you spend what would feel like forever shaving, bleaching, or waxing your legs, your underarms, your pubic region, and maybe even your face. If I go on a date, there’s a 50/50 chance that shaved that day or even that week.  Ladies, do you know what the average guy’s grooming and prep routine for a date is? Shower and brush your teeth, maybe shave your face, put on deodorant, brush or comb your hair, put on clean clothes you already own, and that’s pretty much it. So yeah, you deserve that first date to be paid for beloved.

Back to lecture at hand though. I think that most people expect a certain amount of grooming, especially around the genital area, if only so that hair growth doesn’t impede any sex act. I think at minimum, most people just want a clear path to the goods, if you know what I mean. If you asked most people their preference, they would say minimal to no hair, regardless of gender. Guys are more likely to want no hair, or very little hair whether it’s pubic hair, or just body hair in general, whereas most women want a guy who is groomed, but not necessarily full bald. I’d be lying and doing a disservice if I said that I knew what not-strictly-hetero people prefer,  so please feel free to chime in if you’ve got a bit more knowledge when it comes to the grooming patterns of not-strictly-hetero people. Personally, if I’m into someone and they’ve got some hair, unless it’s fully overgrown to the point of obstruction, that wont stop me from doing any sex act I’m normally willing to do. Would I personally go out of my way to shave or trim if I grew hair at an expeditious rate? Yes, absolutely, purely out of politeness. Again, it goes back to the idea that you’ve got to give your partner some sort of path to your goods. If my hair growth was so extensive that in order to perform a sex act on me it required a fair amount of parting of my hair, I think it’d only be polite to manicure my bush, you know? Nothing against people who let it go wild down there, no shade to you, but I think that if you want it to go full natural to the point where your partner can’t get to your junk without a hot comb, you can’t expect them to go down on you. For me, body hair isn’t usually a dealbreaker, but I’d be lying if I didn’t have a preference and that in some cases those preferences extend to full-on dealbreakers. Now, I want to be clear when I say that I do not think that women have an obligation to meet these preferences,  just that I know what I like and that at a certain point a certain amount of body hair would be so unattractive that it would be a dealbreaker for me. Again, your body hair isn’t inherently bad, but you have to know that not everyone is going to love how much hair you have or do not have. Full Kurt Russell in Tombstone mustache? That’s going to be a hard pass for me. You refuse to get a Brazilian wax but keep things neat otherwise? Cool with me, because honestly Brazilian waxes sound terrible.

As for why this guy is fully shaved, I just want to say that in the future you should try to avoid using false dichotomies when talking about broad topics. If you frame a question with: It can only be A or B, you’re creating a dichotymy that isn’t there. Why is it just between personal preference OR he’s railing girls on the side? Why can’t it be chaetophobia? Or a fear of contracting pubic lice? Or maybe he believes it’s more hygienic. Seriously, it could be any reason. But, just to be clear, he’s almost certainly sleeping with other women on the side. It’s a good idea to remember that if you want a casual relationship with someone, you aren’t the only one. The plus side is that you’re not really at risk for pubic lice so, silver lining I guess?

Finally, you didn’t ask it but I’ll tell you anyway:  You should only change your grooming patterns if you really want to. In extreme cases, people should change their grooming patterns if what they currently do poses a health risk. If your partner wants you to change, and you don’t, you don’t have to change to please them. It’s your fucking body. You made it clear that you have a preference for your own grooming, while he has a preference for how his partners are groomed, so it seems like you’re at an impasse.  Will you change how you groom for a friend with benefits, or tell him that you aren’t going to change your grooming habits and see how he takes it? Up to you to decide, and I definitely wont be the guy who tells a woman, what to do with her body. I’m not that guy, and I never want to be that guy. Personally, if a partner requested a change in how I groom my pubic hair, I’d be amenable but my body hair isn’t a politicized issue. There are women who choose to grow their underarm hair who are then harassed for doing so, and I refuse to be one of those voices chiming in saying “What you do with your body hair makes you a bad person”. Oh and the whole he’s only seen women who are hairless thing is not surprising. A survey conducted in 2008 found that women aged who are 18-49 are more likely to prefer partial or complete hair removal as opposed to no removal.

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With all that said, it’s up to you what you choose to do with your body and your body hair. I hope you whatever you decide makes you happy, because that’s who you should make the decision for.

Good Luck Out There.

5 Replies to “Opinions on body hair when in a casual relationship?”

  1. Okay lord have mercy I laughed at so many points. Okay from my perspective as a female I think there should ALWAYS be a level of grooming on hair. I think that for hygiene purposes and cleanliness women should have some hair removed not necessarily bald but def it should look clean and kept. Im not really down with the full bush. Now I def agree that having it cleared enough to get access to the stuff is important especially if you are wanting someone to go down on you period. I say period because we all adults and nothing is worst than hair in your mouth plain and simple. So if you want anything to spark than clean it up. I think that if you are having casual sex with someone you may just def want to keep it clean and clear you can get into conversations about preferences once you make it to relationship status but ladies clean and low at least is necessary in my world

  2. I personally am a hairy person by nature, and pretty much covered. Not old man Italian man on a European beach, but enough to say im not smooth by any means.

    I would like to think if a guy does it, its because we don’t have space where women do, and that causes a lot of friction. Hair just adds to it and im sure you know to some degree, its not fun.

    Unless a man has been told to do so, I would think it is for that reason.

    For your other question. I don’t think its even something that men should have a say in. Same goes for women. You can have hair and be clean and good to go when having fun. I personally like a woman with a soft patch down there. I’m very hands on and its just another thing to caress and play with. The only thing I’d ever like is maybe keep it neat towards the bottom along the lips. I don’t mind it for sex, but going down, can be scratchy and a good man likes to take his time! lol

    Do whatever you feel is comfortable for you. If he’s not going to be intimate with you over it, his loss for being picky like that. Especially if its kept clean (smell/washed – not shaven I mean).

    Hope this gives some insight!

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