Let me ask you something. Why are you failing at dating? Lack of viable options? Sure. A matter of timing? Sounds good. But what if I told you that your dating habits might be the problem. More specifically, the excuse you make around your dating habits.
Let’s take women who complain about dating fuckboys for example. We’ve given it a new name, misappropriated from black culture, but really the characteristics we think of when we think a “fuckboy” have existed since the English language, and at various times in history we’d call these men cads, knaves, loutish, unchivalrous, or scoundrels. Let’s say you’re a woman dating a guy, and he’s done some fairly ungentlemanly things thus far. He’s deferred all the date planning to you, seems to not respect your boundaries, and generally is displaying all the signs that he is going to start texting you at 2am asking “Hey, you up?” after your first date. The first time those things happen, that’s completely out of your hands because let’s be honest, there is a thin line in modern dating between a decent guy and a guy who will treat you like shit. If you continue to see this guy after he’s made it very clear that he isn’t a quality dude, you’re perpetuating a pretty bad dating habit. If you don’t want to date fuckboys, why are you going on dates with fuckboys? That math just doesn’t add up. Just to be clear, I’m not blaming women for the shitty behavior of men, I’m saying that if you’re going on multiple dates with fuckboys, who’ve proven that they’re fuckboys, and you try to excuse it, you’ve become just as much as of a problem as the shitty people you’re dating. Men, you’re not off the hook either. If you’re wondering why you keep meeting “crazy” women, or keep getting put in the “friend-zone”, maybe it’s because you’re continuing to deal with these women rather than just cut them off completely.
We all have a certain amount of dating habits that most people would consider bad. Whether it’s dating a type we know is bad for us, or our own behaviors once we start dating someone, we’ve all got at least one or two dating habits that could be improved upon. We’re humans, and we’re not infallible, and I would never judge someone based on their bad dating habits. What I will judge people on is whether or not they try to make excuses for those habits. We’re friends right? Since we’re friends, do you want to know one of my less than favorable dating habits? I can drag my feet when it comes to transitioning from casual dating to serious, committed, monogamy. Why I do this is known to me, and I wont bore you with details, but what I wont do is try to justify it. I wont excuse the fact that there are a few women out there who dated me who wholly expecting things to lead to a serious relationship and I sort of left them hanging. There’s no excuse for that, and I couldn’t proffer one in good conscience. I think that people tend to view themselves as “good” which makes reconciling the fact that they have “bad” dating habits pretty difficult because of the whole cognitive dissonance thing. It’s easy for me to say “I have several bad dating habits” because I don’t dwell on the idea that I’m a good person. I don’t think I’m a bad person either, I just think that I do good things a lot of the time, and some bad things, and I’m a sum of all those things. I’m complicated and I accept that without making excuses.
I’ve done this, and maybe you have, where you go on a stretch where you’re dating the wrong type of person on purpose, or maybe you’re engaged in some sketchy dating behavior. Which, maybe isn’t 100% okay, but I’m not going to blame you for making bad choices because hey, we all make mistakes. What I will call you out for is making excuses for yourself, your habits, or the people you date, and continuing to do so. If you’re complaining about the same guy treating you poorly but then make excuses for him when I say “dump him, he doesn’t respect you”, that’s on you too. If you’re wondering why you keep getting put in the friendzone but continue to be a doormat and excuse your behavior and the behaviors of people taking advantage of you, I’m sorry but you’re part of the problem too. If you lay out your sex, dating, or relationship situation, get advice, and then retort with “I know that this is bad, but…” sorry but the fact that you continue to make excuses has become the problem.
My mother was fond of saying “Everything after ‘But…’ is bullshit” and I’m sharing that idiom with you because I want you to take it to heart.Personal accountability is important, whether it’s around your love life, or anything else. Stop excusing your bad dating habits by trying to explain them away. Acknowledge them, accept them, change them if you can, but never, ever, try to excuse them. Because seriously, everything after “But…” is bullshit.
Good Luck Out There.