I’m uncomfortable with her playing Catan with guys I don’t know


literallyacactus asks:

As I said my girlfriend of 5 years is drinking and playing Catan with some of her guy friends from college. We go to different schools so I’m not very familiar with her friends, I’ve only met them once or twice. I trust her 100% but with alcohol involved and her hanging out with guys I don’t really know I was wondering how I can be at peace because I wish it didn’t bother me as much as it does. Thanks for any advice.

Demetrius says:

First let me just say that I just played Settlers of Catan for the first time and I loved it. I’m not the biggest tabletop gaming person, but I finally get the hype, and I genuinely love Catan, and if your girlfriend was playing with me I’d totally hit on her because if there’s one thing I like settling more than the fictional island of Catan, it’s other people’s girlfriend’s lady parts ????. I’m kidding about that last part, I swear.

Seriously though, when you cut out the specific pop-culture reference point, you’re saying that your girlfriend is going to be hanging out and drinking with a group of her male friends you don’t know very well and that makes you a little uncomfortable. Which I think is, maybe not a reasonable fear, but a rational fear to say the least. So, let’s first figure out how to work on this problem.

Since you can’t meet the guys she’ll be playing Catan with a bit more in-depth between now and the next game, which would probably allay some of your fears, the next best thing to do is to ask about the game itself and the players. You can ask about the rules, who organizes the game, whether or not you’d be able to play the next time you visit her, etc. It’s okay to ask your significant other who they’re hanging out with and what they’ll be doing, as long as it’s done in a way that is inquisitive, and doesn’t come off as evidence-seeking, or from a place of  jealousy. If you’re going to ask who’ll be there, ask in a way that’s closer to this: “I remember meeting Chad the last time I met your friends, is he playing?” and less like this “WHO ARE YOU PLAYING CATAN WITH AND HAVE I MET THEM BEFORE?”

As for the drinking, and hanging out, that’s just a thing you have to learn to accept. Especially if you’re dating long distance, but just in relationships in general. Whoever you’re dating, and this applies to everyone, is going to go out and socialize with someone you’ve never met at some point and you’re going to have to learn to be comfortable with that if you want to be a partner. If you have specific concerns about a situation or a specific person that’s one thing, but you’ll have to get over this general feeling of discomfort when your partner is out there socializing with strangers. If she drinks and enjoys socializing, she’s going to do a lot more of it after this game, and probably soon. This is one of those things where you need to learn to accept that the distance, drinking, socializing, etc. are things you can’t control, so you either grow to accept it, or just be single forever. If it makes you feel better, you can always tell your partner something along the lines of “Hey can you text me after you’re done hanging just to say good night?” or something similar. I’ve dated women who, depending on who they were hanging out with and the circumstances of their hangout, I asked that they text me when they get home. Usually it had less to do with vague fears around inappropriate behavior and more to do with the person they were drinking with being the sort of person who would put them in a shady situation. Nothing wrong with being a concerned boyfriend, just keep in mind that concern can also be a bit stifling. Tread carefully here.

All that said, you can’t say that you trust someone 100% and then immediately say “Actually, these factors make me trust her a little less”. It’s okay to not trust someone 100% of the time, because you’ll never know what’s going on in someone’s head, or what motivates them, 100% of the time. Saying something like “I trust my partner 100% of the time” sounds good, and would be a great opener on The Newlywed Game, but your trust is relative and ever-changing. Is she trustworthy? Yes, it definitely sounds like she’s worthy of your trust. Someone can be worthy of your trust, and you can still not trust them 100% of the time, there’s nothing wrong with that. If you were 100% trusting of her I wouldn’t be answering this question. If you’re 99% sure of your trust in her, this question makes a lot more sense.  Just something to think about. Don’t get caught in the trap of being definite with things that are based on feelings. Things change, people change, feelings change, and sometimes a robber comes along and prevents you from producing resources shit happens that is completely out of your control and you just have to adapt.

To close, let me just say I think that while your fears are rational, I wouldn’t be too concerned. Mostly because she sounds trustworthy, and also because I’m pragmatic and realize that even if she was going to do something inappropriate, being worried about it isn’t going to magically prevent it from happening. I know that isn’t the most comforting thought to some people, but it’s true. Worrying about something going wrong isn’t going to prevent things from going wrong. All you’re doing is making yourself uncomfortable, so try to get over it with either the ways I suggested above, or organize your own game/excuse-for-socializing-with-your-friends night to distract yourself. Who knows, you might enjoy yourself so much organizing your own game of Catan you forget about this whole deal.

Good Luck Out There.