She cheated, but I don’t want to lose her

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There is a big difference between doing what you want to do, and doing what you probably should do in dating. I saw this question on the dating advice subreddit that really got me thinking about how often our wants in dating often work against us:

chris19hieu asks:

There is this girl who I’ve been dating for about a year now. I really love her she’s basically me but as a girl. I found out on Halloween weekend she cheated on me with some guy at a rave. I catch her still talking to him a lot.

I don’t want to lose to him because I actually really like this girl. What can/should I do?


Demetrius says:

I do think that in some cases, you can take back a partner who cheated. It shouldn’t be your go-to move, but in some cases I think that couples can move past a sexual indiscretion. I don’t believe this is one of those cases. To survive infidelity, you probably need to have a strong relationship to begin with, and a willingness to work on your relationship together. I’m not seeing either of those in this situation.

What can you do to not lose her to him? Literally nothing. There is no way that you can avoid losing her to him because she’s already chosen who she’d rather be with. When people make a mistake in a relationship, the best way that they can work on trying to heal the pain they’ve caused is to actually put effort into repairing the relationship. If you have an argument with your partner, the quickest way to move past the argument is for one (or both of you) to apologize, and try to reach common ground. Now let’s say your partner cheated with someone, and you’re willing to work to move past that, as long as they’re willing to work on it too. At minimum, what would your partner need to do? If I had to guess it would be to apologize, and cut contact with the person they cheated with. If she can’t cut contact with someone she cheated with, what does that tell you?

You don’t lose people to your romantic competition, they choose to leave. It’s not some game you can win by scoring more points, or playing better defense. Right now it’s clear that she’s making a choice to move on romantically with the other guy, especially if you keep catching her talking to him “a lot” as you say. The lack of guilt, and the audacity it would take to get caught cheating then continue talking to the person you cheated with well after being caught is just mind-boggling. There’s no way to “win” someone if they’ve already given up on you.

I understand wanting to fight for a relationship, but not all relationships (or people for that matter) are worth fighting for. If you’re dating an unrepentant cheater, they’ll continue cheating for as long as they can. Your concern should have less to do with not losing them, and more to do with winning back your own dignity. Wanting to “win” a cheater back, especially an unrepentant cheater, is a waste of time, and you deserve better.

Good Luck Out There.

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