She ghosted me after agreeing to a 2nd date. What gives?

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FUFU_LAME asks:

We had a first date last week, and it was great. We got food and hung out, and had a really great conversation. I definitely felt a connection. I texted her when I got home and I told her that I enjoyed meeting her, and she said “let’s go on an adventure soon!”

Over the weekend, I asked her out to dinner this week. I suggested Tuesday (last night), to which she said yes. On Monday she texted me saying that she felt a little sick, and she would let me know if she could get dinner. Tuesday, she texted me saying that she was even sicker, so she wouldn’t be able to get dinner. I responded, basically proposing “let’s get dinner when you get better”, and she hasn’t responded since.

It’s been like 36 hours. I don’t know why she’d ghost me after what I thought went well. What do I do?


Demetrius says:

Okay first things first, I don’t know if you’ve been ghosted, so much as you’re probably being slowly phased out.  It isn’t like you planned a date, then never heard from her. You planned a date, she dropped a hint that she was going to cancel the night before, she cancelled the day of the date, and now she’s letting your last text hang. That’s not “ghosting” so much as it is (probably) a very passive, very roundabout, very slow rejection.

Putting that aside, why would she suddenly lose interest, and what can you do about it seem to be the questions you’re asking, so let’s answer them.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, the “why” isn’t as important as the result, when it comes to rejections. Let’s posit a world where we could see 5 different versions of this sequence of events, from 5 alternate timelines. In the 1st, she lost interest because she’s seeing someone else. In the 2nd, she just doesn’t want to date right now. In the 3rd, she was on the fence after the first date, and she didn’t feel motivated to go on another date. In the 4th, she went on a date as a way to boost her ego, and now that it’s boosted, she wants nothing to do with you. And in the 5th, the darkest timeline, she went on that date specifically to get someone to pay for her meal and now she’s done with you. What do all 5 of these hypothetical situations have in common? The result, that she’s just not interested in a second date. Knowing why something happened is cool if you want to prevent the same thing from happening in the future, but I don’t think that’s something you need to worry about right now. Since you believe you had a great date, and you probably won’t see this person again, I’m not seeing how learning why she lost interest is going to be useful to you in an actionable way. It’s nice to have closure, but sometimes you need to make your own closure in dating.

As for what you do next, well, you can always reach out again in case I’m wrong. I’ve found that in cases like this, it’s better to reach out with a date proposed, rather than asking if they ever want to see you again. You seem like a nice enough person, so you might feel the urge to send a text that says something to the effect of “If you still want to see me, let me know”. Instead of sending that text, which is harmless but not that assertive, reach out and say something along the lines of “Hey, are you free next Friday? I’d love to take you to this bar/restaurant/cafe I keep hearing great things about”. If she rejects you without giving you room to reschedule, like saying something along the lines of “Sorry, I’m not free Friday” and nothing else, she’s probably wholly lost interest. If she responds declining the date, but proposes a better time or place to meet, she’s probably still interested. I could be wrong about her losing interest, it does seem like only a week has passed since you last reached out, so feel free to reach out again. If I’m right that she’s no longer interested, you have nothing to lose, and a chance to gain some clarity. If I’m wrong, you have a chance at another date. Sounds like a win-win to me. What I wouldn’t recommend is following up after that. If she passively rejects you, whether by alluding to a nebulous concept of her being busy, or feeling ill, assume she’s just lost interest and move on.

Good Luck Out There.

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