Friendzoned, then she flaked. What should I do?

secondaccount61 asks:

I met a girl recently through a dating app and was friend zoned after the first date. Thought things were going well when we met and she texted me shortly after about making plans for next time and exchanging Instagrams. The following week I was friend zoned.

I decided that she was good company and followed up a week later saying that it’d be cool to remain friends and that we could still go out as we planned as friends. I was surprised when I got an immediate response and we agreed on a date and time to meet (this weekend) and her roommate was also going to come along.

A few days pass and then I receive a text saying that she has to go to her parents and that she’ll have to back out of the plans but nothing with regards to rescheduling. What should I do in this situation? I thought she was interested in becoming friends and now I’m a bit confused as far as what she wants.


Demetrius says:

Quick thing to remember about the friendzone: I’m fairly confident, like 99.99% confident, that no woman has ever rejected a guy and said “You’re in the friendzone now BUD”. As I have said since the second post I ever wrote for the blog and continue to do so today, ad infinitum, ad nauseamthe friendzone doesn’t exist. You weren’t “friendzoned”, you were told that she wanted to be friends, and you took it to mean she was placing you in the friendzone and you accepted that.  If it bothers you, which I’ll assume is the case because otherwise you’d just call it a friendship and not imply that it’s some sort of dating purgatory, maybe you aren’t cut out to be her friend. You don’t have to be friends with every attractive person who says they want to be friends with you. I implore you, if you’re one of those people who says that they are/were friendzoned, to stop befriending people who you have no actual interest in building a platonic relationship with. If I never write about the friendzone again, trust me, I’ll be okay with that.

Besides that though, it sounds like one of two things happened here. Either she tried to befriend you as a polite gesture while rejecting you, and didn’t have any intention of following through on building a friendship. Or, she did want to befriend you, but not so much that she wants to prioritize seeing you. Like, it’d be cool if you remained friendly, but if she had to choose between hanging out with you, or ditching you to catch up on TV, maybe she’d choose binge watching. Not all friendships are created equal, you know? There’s always the chance that I’m wrong, but in my experience, an offer to be friends after a date or two is a courtesy, more often than not.

Wondering what you should do? Let me be frank here: I doubt that upon meeting her the one time, you realized that she was so amazing that you wanted to befriend her. I think you’re using the promise of friendship as a stalling tactic in the hopes that maybe, MAYBE, she’ll change her mind about you. I say this as someone who has seen this exact situation play out countless times, with 99% of the results being the guy in the “friendzone” growing bitter and resentful over time, and eventually ending the friendship after some big blow up. Instinctively, I’m leaning toward telling you to just drop this attempt at friendship completely, because you’re deluding yourself and wasting your time. I just can’t picture what could have happened on that first date that made you think that this is someone you want to build a friendship with. I just don’t see it, and I’ve been on more first dates than you, with some incredibly dynamic and interesting women, and even then I’m hesitant to just jump into a friendship with them because it usually doesn’t work.Most of the time it doesn’t work because it’s harder to work backward from romantic interest to building a platonic connection than it is the other way around. Befriend someone then date them? Sure! Go on a date with romantic intentions, then try to be friends with them? That’s tough sledding.

But, I could be wrong, and maybe you’re really just someone looking for a friend, AND you can handle befriending someone you’re attracted to. In case I’m wrong, and you really want to build a friendship, reach out and try to set plans again. If she doesn’t respond, or she does respond and is flaky, you’ve got an answer. Friendship, like relationships, requires effort on both sides. If you put in effort to hang out with her, and she flakes and never puts in effort to see you again, are you friends?

Good Luck Out There.

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