Wanted to go for a kiss, couldn’t muster it. What should I do?


JawnOfArc asks:

So tonight was my second date with a girl I started seeing. The first date went quite well; we sat at a coffee shop for about two hours and had some nice, organic conversation with laughs and basically no silences at all. I’m pretty into her, and based on how frequently she’s been texting me, I think she’s pretty into me too. I was ready to go in for a kiss tonight assuming the date went well. As I expected, it went rather nicely. We bowled for an hour and walked around the mall a little, having nice conversation (and some friendly shit-talking) throughout. We both intentionally made physical contact at times during conversation. Anyway, she was my ride, so I planned on kissing her when we got to my building. We get there, and after I say that I had a good time, she immediately suggests we get together again later in the week. Awesome, I’m in. Or so I think.

I’m looking for a sign from her: extended eye contact, looking at my lips, something. But there wasn’t any obvious indication to go for a kiss. We hugged in her car, but after that she pulled away a bit too far for me to go in without awkwardly overextending. So we said “Bye” and she left.
Is she just shy? Things have been going pretty great, and she wants to see me again, so I don’t think she’s losing interest. How can I maybe be a bit more forward about it without being weird?

Demetrius says:

Before I start, let me just get my own bias out in the open. I’ve found in my own dating life, if I don’t kiss someone by the first date, and I take a chance and plan a second date and we don’t kiss, we’re probably not a good fit romantically. In all the years I’ve dated, if I didn’t kiss someone by the 2nd date, things didn’t progress beyond that. And when I say this, I mean that it’s been true 100% of the time. I bring this up because I think it might give you a little context for why I’m answering this question the way that I am. The fact that you haven’t kissed by the second date might be because she’s shy, or it might just be because there isn’t a romantic spark between you too. It could also be a dozen other things, with much more nuanced reasons, but let’s focus on “Is she shy?” or “Is she just not that into me?” in the interest of time, and also because they’re what I assume to be the most likely reasons why you haven’t kissed yet.

It’s entirely possible that she is just shy, or shy when it comes to public displays of affection. You mentioned how well the conversations went so, at minimum, we know that she has a certain level of comfort communicating with you. If that were missing, it would be easy to assume that there was no interest at all on her end. The constant communication over text is a good sign as well. The frequency is one good sign, and the other is the fact that you’re texting at all. It’s not the end-all be-all of romantic signs, but it’s not bad to know that she, at minimum, wants to remain in contact with you.  Also promising, and lending a bit more weight to the idea that she’s just shy about p.d.a,  is that you’ve already gone on 2 dates, and she’d already suggested going on another date. At the very least, we know that she enjoys speaking to you, communicating with you when you’re apart,  and that she wants to see you again. They aren’t necessarily indicators that she’s head-over-heels madly in love with you or anything, but they are good signs.

She could also just really enjoy your company, but not be into you romantically. All three of the positives signs you mentioned could also be signs that she is interested in you platonically. She wants to see you again, sure, but who doesn’t want to hang out with their friends? You have a great rapport, and you keep in contact via text, but isn’t that what friends do?  I’m not saying that the answer is definitely that she only sees you as a friend but it’s equally as plausible that this is the case. Honestly, with what you’ve said, it’s not really clear whether it’s an issue of lack of romantic interest, or a hesitance to initiate a kiss.

Either way, if one of my theories is right or not, what you do next remains same. You need to stop waiting for a sign, and just go for it. I’m not saying that you should lunge at her face with your face, in fact, I would discourage it. As “weird” as it might be to you, and many men, to ask someone for a kiss, there really isn’t anything wrong with being direct and saying “Can I kiss you?”. If you’re not getting a clear sign that someone wants to kiss you, asking really isn’t going to hurt, and it will probably go way better than just assuming that someone wants to kiss you when they do not. If she’s into you, but shy about initiating a kiss, asking is a great way to figure out if she wants to kiss you. If she’s not into you romantically and you ask, she’s got a great opportunity to let you down gently. What you should be looking for isn’t a kiss, but a confirmation one way or another whether or not she wants to kiss you.

Asking really is the easiest, least weird way to move things forward, or at the very least, get a definitive understanding of where she sees things going between you.

Good Luck Out There.