Should you date someone if you want a commitment and they only want sex?

Running low on time? Here’s the short answer: No.

Hell No.

Hell to the naw.

Still here? Fine, I guess I can go into the reason why you shouldn’t since you’ve got time.

If you want a commitment, and they only want casual sex, you have a significant difference in dating and relationship priorities, and more than anything else, that is the reason why you shouldn’t date someone who only wants sex if you want a commitment. Only wanting sex is antithetical to wanting a commitment. If someone wants sex and a commitment, all well and good, but if you’re specifically looking for commitment, and someone you want to date is specifically not, dating them would be a waste of your time.

It’s one thing to date someone who has dating priorities that aren’t exactly same as yours but are similar,  it’s another to date someone who has dating priorities that are completely on the other end of the spectrum from you. If you wanted a commitment, and they want a commitment, but at a different pace than you, that’s a situation where you might consider dating them, mainly because a compromise can be reached. If what you both want is completely different, sometimes there just isn’t a compromise to be found.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not making a moral judgment about either approach. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a commitment, or just wanting to have casual sex, or any other approach to dating that consenting adults take, as long as they are honest about what they are looking for. What is a bad idea is trying to build something with someone who has priorities that don’t match up with yours. The same goes for you if you’re the one who only wants casual sex, and you’re thinking about dating someone who only wants a commitment. It doesn’t matter how your dating priorities conflict, what matters is not dating someone who has conflicting dating priorities from you. That’s why it’s a bad idea to date someone who never wants marriage or kids if that’s what you want. What compromise could you come to?

Whatever your dating priorities are today should determine how you date today. Whatever you’re looking for should be something your potential partner is also looking for. What you shouldn’t do is date based on the potential that they might change their mind. That’s really what people are asking when they ask whether or not they should date someone who wants something they don’t. They aren’t asking if it’s a good idea to date them , they’re really asking if it’s a good idea to date them because they hope that they’ll eventually change their mind. Personally, I would never recommend dating in the hopes that someone’s dating priorities will change. People show you who they are, and what they’re looking for, if you pay enough attention. Sometimes it doesn’t even take much interpretation.

The person who tells you “I’m not looking for anything serious” isn’t telling you that they aren’t looking for anything serious today, but tomorrow they might change their mind. They’re telling you what their current priorities are, not what they might eventually be. Take people at their word, and don’t assign qualities to people you have never seen or observed. You’re conning yourself when you say “I know they don’t want a relationship right now, but if they date me for a while maybe they’ll see that I’m worth committing to”. Don’t do that to yourself.

There’s always the chance that someone will change, but why wait around for it to happen when you can meet someone who wants what you want and doesn’t need convincing? Whatever you’re looking for romantically, someone out there right now is looking for the same thing. It’s a much better use of your time to try to find someone who wants what you want, rather than trying to change someone so that they want what you want.

Good Luck Out There.