What should you do when you feel uncertain when dating?

dating, uncertain, uncertainty

A reader sent in a question that I wanted to address, because it touches on a feeling that I think we’ve all had in dating: Uncertainty

Hey there,

I’ve been on two dates with a girl, and things seemed to be going well. Recently, I saw her at an event and she was really cold toward me. I could hardly speak to her without feeling as if she didn’t want to be there with me.

She is really cool, and I suspect that I fell too hard for her initially. My mistake. 

I don’t know where I stand, and was thinking I could just give it a break for a bit and maybe start speaking to her after a few weeks. In our initial stages I didn’t message excessively or bug her too much, though I was always calm.

I do get that she may not be interested. Please advise.

Thanks.


 

Demetrius says:

First, let me just thank you for the question, I think it’s one that my readers will relate to. I wont speak for every single person ever, but I’ve been in countless dating situations like this. There are just so many ways that something could have gone wrong, that I couldn’t help but wonder what I did. There are times when I sensed that someone I was dating was pulling back, but I was never quite sure of why.

I’d spend hours wracking my brain, trying to come up with solutions and strategies to win them back, to try to give myself a little certainty. If you can think of any situation where it’d be possible to be uncertain about where you stand after going on a couple dates, I’ve probably dealt with it. Which brings me to my advice for you, and anyone who is dealing with uncertainty in their dating situations.

Based on the content of your question, I don’t see anything that stands out as a mistake on your part. You went on two dates, and it seems like you tried to keep things light and loose between you two, which is always a good idea. All in all, it sounds like she just lost interest. Her behavior toward you is probably a by-product of her loss of interest. When people seem like they don’t want to speak to you, it can feel like maybe you’ve done something wrong. In this case, it seems to me like she lost interest, but felt uncomfortable telling you, and you picked up on her general discomfort.

Now, let’s get a bit more general. In situations where you’re uncertain about your relationship, my advice is always to be direct. I’m using relationship in a broad sense here (i.e. hooking up, dating, long-term relationship, etc.). You should be direct, but the results of your direct action will vary. Even in situations where you’d think a direct question would get a direct response.

Here’s an example: I briefly dated a woman and I got the feeling that she was losing interest in me, but I wasn’t sure why. There were a few things that *maybe* could have been the cause, but I wasn’t sure. Eventually she started to become generally evasive, hard to reach, and I just couldn’t deal with the uncertainty. I asked if she’d lost interest, or if I did something to upset her, and reassured her that if she was done I’d understand. I told her that if she lost interest, she could send me a text telling me and I’d be okay with that. Eventually, she disappeared without so much as a word.


Being direct can help you gain some certainty, but it doesn’t guarantee that you’ll get a direct answer.


My advice is be direct if you feel the situation warrants it. Direct action isn’t required in your situation because I think it’s clear that she’s lost interest. If you disagree, by all means go for it and ask her directly what’s going on. Worst case scenario, you never get an answer, which is an answer in and of itself.

There is a surefire way to get certainty when dating: You look at their actions. Not their words, not their promises, but what they do. If someone wants to be with you, they’ll find a way. People show you what they want, and how much they value your relationship with them with their actions. If the last time you saw someone felt like they didn’t want you around, that should tell you something.

So if you’re feeling uncertain about where you stand in a relationship, whatever sort of relationship you have, be direct. If you don’t get an answer, take that as your answer. Try not to dwell on what may have gone wrong, or what you could have done better. If someone seems like they’re losing interest, and they show you that they’re losing interest, and they won’t give you an answer, they have lost interest. In which case, you should move on.

Good Luck Out There.

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