I’m a dating novice, any tips for asking her out on Facebook?

dating, dating apps, dating advice, facebook, slide in the dms

jtayl529 asks:

I know it’s not the best way to do it through Facebook, but I have no idea when/if I’ll see her again, I know her through university. I want to ask her out, I just don’t know what to say or what to ask her to do. A bit of context about us, I’m 21 but have never been on a date or had a girlfriend. I don’t drink coffee or alcohol so I feel like I shouldn’t invite her to get drinks. We are both pretty shy, and I don’t really know what she is into, but I want to get to know her better.

Demetrius says:

Okay, see, the first part of your question/problem is simple: Asking her out on Facebook. The rest is a bit harder for me, mostly because two of the things I love to do are drinking coffee and alcoholic beverages, but I think I’ve got some advice for you.

Let’s start with advice about asking her out, mostly because all the other advice will only be applicable if she actually says yes. The best thing to do when asking someone out in a passive way, whether that’s on Facebook, or over email, is to be direct and clear. Your message content will vary, but the basic structure should look something like this:

  • Introduce yourself with context (i.e. Hey, it’s me, that guy you’ve spoken to at your university)
  • State why you’re messaging (i.e. I didn’t know if or when we might see each other again so I wanted to message you here)
  • Propose a date (i.e. Would you be interested in going on a date?)

That’s pretty much all you need to do. Obviously you want to add humor and levity so it doesn’t sound like you’re a robot, but besides that there isn’t much else to do besides that. One time I successfully asked someone out via Facebook was pretty similar to your situation. I had no clue when I’d see her again, so I sent her a message that was basically what I laid out for you in the example above. I added a bit of humor by mentioning that I was impressed that I was able to find her because of her fairly uncommon Hindi first name. Besides that, my message to her sounds exactly what I’m telling you to do. It got me on a first date, and I think if she’s interested, it’ll get you one too.

One key difference here, I was able to end my message by saying “would you want to grab a drink sometime” and because of your preferences, you can’t do that can you? I mean, you CAN ask her to go out for a drink while you sit there and don’t drink, but I wouldn’t recommend it. I’m a big fan of going on dates where both parties can do the intended activity of said date. If you don’t drink coffee, don’t go on a coffee date. If you hate desserts, don’t go on a date to a patisserie. So while coffee dates and drinks dates are the most common, and the easiest date suggestion to make, if you don’t indulge in either of those activities, those aren’t the best date ideas for you.

Instead, think of something that you can do with her, that you think she might enjoy, that you’ll also enjoy. You can go to a cafe and get something other than coffee, so that’s an idea. Maybe you do an arcade/carnival sort of date where you’re walking around, playing games, and general enjoying each other’s company. Museum dates are cool if that’s your thing. So are walks in the park. Or picnics.

Honestly, and I know it might sound a bit far-fetched because you’ve never dated, but pretty much anything can be a good date as long as you put int he effort to plan it. Some of the best dates I’ve been on were ones that didn’t adhere to the classic first date formula. Grab a meal. Plan a picnic. Do one of those “escape the room” type scenarios. Anything can be a date if you put effort into planning it and it’s something you both want to do. The best way to do that is to propose going on a date, and ask her what she’d be into doing.

Besides that, one last piece of advice for you: Always be genuine in dating and don’t do anything you don’t want to do for someone else’s sake. Date the way you want to, and you’ll learn what does and doesn’t work for you. Dating isn’t something you can learn about solely by reading dating advice, the only way you’ll really learn about dating and relationships is by going on dates.

Good Luck Out There.

Also published on Medium.