Great 1st date now she’s saying she’s busy. Think it’s genuine?

itoki asks:

So I (24M) went on a date with this girl(22F) last week and everything worked out perfectly. She even mentioned that she would see me again aka another date. We flirted a lot on messages and she seemed very interested to go further with me. The problem started when I tried to arrange for a second date, she kept telling me that she’s busy either with work or house chores. Is she trying to tell me to stop contacting her or is she genuinely busy?

PS Till now she has kept on texting me and asking me how my days are etc

Demetrius says:

I want to take your question, and the scenario with which you laid it out, and give it some scrutiny before giving you an answer.

First things first, never assume that a date worked out perfectly. I believe you probably went on a good date, because you can go on a “good” date with someone and still never want to see them again. You can go on a “good” date with someone, and they might even say “we should go on another date sometime soon” and they could be wholly disinterested in ever seeing you again.

A good first date can be a sign that there will be a second date, but sometimes a good first date never leads to a second date. It’s happened to me plenty of times. Why would someone say that they want to see you again even though they have no interest in seeing you again? Sometimes people just don’t know how to say “I had a great time, but I never want to see you again. Deuces”, because people are weird about confrontation. Or maybe they were on the fence about seeing you again, and later changed their mind. Or maybe they just run on auto-pilot after dates and didn’t give it that much thought.

All this to say, your “perfect” date might not have been as perfect as you think. But, I just like to ground people. It’s wholly possible that your perfect date really was perfect. It’s also possible that she is really busy and still interested in you.

There isn’t a lot here for me to make a solid, definitive guess about whether or not the sudden busyness is legit, so let me give you some tips on recognizing whether someone is genuinely busy.

First, did they tell you they were busy without prompting, or in response to you following up with them? If someone tells you “hey, I really want to see you again but I’m going to be busy for the next week or so”¬†without prompting, they’re probably legitimately busy. If you need to keep following up with them until they finally say “sorry for not responding, been busy”, that’s a bad sign.

There’s also something to be said for the substance of someone’s message. If someone tells you that they can’t see you for a week or two because they’re busy, but offers up plans after their busy period, that’s usually a sign that they’re really busy but want to see you. If someone can’t see you because of their busy schedule, and leaves it up to you to reach out again when you have no real way of knowing when they’ll be free, that tells you two things. First, that they don’t particularly care to keep you informed about their schedule and when they might potentially be free. Second, that they expect you to take the initiative to maintain contact, even though they’re the person with time conflicts. All and all, a bad sign.

Finally, frequency. How many times have you tried to see them to be told they can’t see you, or worse had planned cancelled, because they were busy? Some people really do have busy schedules, but if you’re at the point where they’ve been too busy to see you multiple times in a row, that should be a concern.

Now, all those factors by themselves should give you pause, but all three factors together, in a negative sense, probably spell an end to whatever start you had. I’ve dated busy people before, like genuinely busy, “I only have one night a month when I’m free” levels of busy. If they want to see you, they can and will make time if you’re a priority.

Why someone is busy doesn’t matter. Whether or not they might be lying doesn’t matter. What matters is whether or not they have enough free time to date you, and if they use that time to go on dates with you. Maybe she’s being honest, maybe she isn’t, but if she doesn’t have time to go on a second date, there’s no point in wondering why. Just move on.

Good Luck Out There.

Also published on Medium.