I think a lot of people shouldn’t date at all. Do you agree?

Allthosephatmemes asks:

OK I’ll say all of this, please let me know if I’ve gone bonkers

In today’s culture, the expectation of finding someone, whether or not you actually stay with someone, is tremendous. I think a hell of a lot of people who don’t find the opposite sex attractive force themselves into bad situations, such as unhappily marrying or leaning towards the same-sex.

A main reason I shouldn’t date is because I am grey asexual, very rarely experiencing actual sexual attraction…. I feel like i would just be leading people on , since I’ve been told sex is a huge part of a relationship. So there’s that, but that’s sort of a ‘me’ thing. The real issue is much deeper, one that can be identified with simple logic

I am a selfish, impulsive person. MANY people are. These people often cannot and will not be happy with someone. If this miraculously is not the case and they somehow are, the chances of the other party being happy with a selfish and impulsive person (often both members are) are very small. So if you aren’t gonna be happy, and the other person isn’t gonna be happy, why not just ditch the whole fucking thing? Happiness is (or should be) a necessity in a relationship.

Please tell me if I’m crazy. Because to me, the whole dating expectation is tiring and doesn’t fit for a lot of other people.

Demetrius says:

Truth be told, I agree with your central premise. I don’t think everyone should date, be in a relationship, or get married. I think that everyone has the potential to do so, but some people, today, probably shouldn’t have any romantic entanglements. The thing is, I differ with you when it comes to the reasons why you shouldn’t date. I’ll get to that in a bit.

I do think that a lot of people rush into relationships, of varying degrees of seriousness and commitment, for the wrong reasons. Not everyone, but some people. Whether it’s because of societal expectations, or a misguided belief that they’re ready, people enter into relationships they shouldn’t be in all the time. I’m sure that there are tons of people who don’t find the opposite sex attractive and enter into relationships, whether because they’re asexual, or just in denial about their sexuality. I also think that a lot of people don’t really have the skills needed to be in a healthy relationship, and I think that’s far more likely. It’s easy to assume that most people who shouldn’t be together are fundamentally incompatible because of their sexual desires, but I think it’s far more likely that most people simply aren’t good fits.

All that said, I disagree with part of the reason that you say that you shouldn’t date. You can absolutely date if you’re asexual. Even if you are a grey asexual (which I had to look up before answering your question. Thanks for teaching me a new term!). I think that every relationship should involve a discussion, and ongoing discussion, about sexual desires. If you’re upfront about your level of sexual attraction, or lack thereof, and find a partner who wants to be with you, go for it. Asexuality, regardless of where you fall on the spectrum, doesn’t preclude you from developing healthy relationships.

Selfishness does though.

That’s the real reason you shouldn’t be seeing anyone. If you are a selfish person, you shouldn’t be in a relationship. Relationships, no matter their structure, should not include someone who is wholly selfish. Your wants, needs, and desires cannot be the only ones being served in a healthy relationship. Relationships require give and take, compromises big and small, and if the idea of that sounds terrible to you, you shouldn’t pursue relationships.

Happiness is a necessity in a relationship, on that we agree. I disagree with the idea that an asexual person, you or anyone else, can’t be in a relationship. Sex isn’t a big part of every relationship. What should be part of a relationship is kindness, caring, compromise, and unselfishness. If you’re selfish, you’re right, you probably shouldn’t be dating. You have the potential to date, you just need to work on not being selfish. You need to learn to care for others if you want to be in a relationship.

Good Luck Out There.

Also published on Medium.