Should I give it up or make a move?

retardedsucc asks:

Long story short, I’ve been talking to this girl for the past couple months and we’ve hit it off pretty good. We’ve hung out 4 times, and had sex the first 2 times. We’re both 18, M & F.

But recently we were talking about some deep stuff online, and all of a sudden she asks me to promise not to fall in love with her, because she doesn’t want to “hurt me cuz im so nice”. And she said she doesn’t have feelings for anyone or something. Anyways I know when its time to jump ship so I tell her we’re good as friends and she agrees, but she says if her situation changes we’d see then (she’s in a rough spot when it comes to family and school).

We hung out once since that and just watched some romantic movie she picked out, and didn’t do anything other than cozy up to each other a bit.

Now here’s where I get pretty confused, she sent me a couple unsolicited “nudes” yesterday, and I’m hanging out with her again today. I’m getting mixed feelings, should I make a move or give it up. I do really like this girl.

Demetrius says:

Okay, since you’re a baby I’ll be easy on you. There isn’t much that I would be confused about in this scenario, but your Uncle D is older and wiser than you, so I’ll cut you some slack.

First things first, she’s not emotionally available. Maybe it’s because of the rough with things going on with her family, at school, or something else entirely. She probably can’t articulate her inability to be a viable romantic interest, but she knows that she’s lacking something that you need for a commitment. Whatever that is, is completely and wholly separate from what she needs to want to have sex with someone. If you’re wondering why she would tell you that you shouldn’t fall in love with her, but then send you nudes, it’s because those two things, in her mind, are unrelated.

One other thing to consider. In situations like this, it’s not uncommon for someone to know something is a bad idea, i.e. they tell you not to fall for them, but then they will engage in behavior that aren’t really helping their cause. Some people do it purposefully to manipulate people, others do it by accident. I’m not saying that watching a romantic movie automatically makes you fall for someone, but spending time with them where you consume media that has romantic overtones isn’t exactly helping to not bond you. Neither is sending pictures that are usually sent between people with at least some form of romantic connection.

I don’t think she’s doing any of this to manipulate you, nor do I think it’s weird that it’s confusing to you. So, all that said, here’s what you should do…which is contingent on what you want, and how you feel about her.

If you want to be with her in any way that is deeper than just casual sex, you should give up. Whatever the reason is for her inability to accept someone falling in love with her is inconsequential. It’s something she needs to work on if you ever had a hope of being together. If what you want is more than sex and nudes randomly sent to you, she’s not the one for you right now. It seems like you want more, and it seems like you’re already developing genuine romantic feelings for her, if that’s what you mean by “I do really like this girl”.

If all you want is to hookup with someone you like, with no real emotional attachment or investment, make a move. What I would suggest is having a discussion about expectations. She said “don’t fall in love with me”, which I would assume means that all she wants is no-strings-attached sex, but I could be wrong. Maybe what she really wants is the entire committed relationship experience, minus love. Or maybe she just wants to maintain your friendship, with benefits. Whatever it is that she wants, get clarification.

Truth be told though, I’d be wary of anyone who says “don’t fall in love with me”, but that’s just based on my experience. The people I’ve met who told me this usually had much deeper issues than just a wariness of commitment. It should be a red flag to you in general, even if you think a casual relationship could work.

Good Luck Out There.

Also published on Medium.

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