Do you have to be cold to succeed in dating?

Do you have to be cold to succeed in dating? Is the secret to dating success to take a cold, emotionless, logical and pragmatic view of dating and relationships?

No, no I don’t think so. I think that there are scenarios where it pays to be a bit more logical, but in the long run, you don’t need to be cold to succeed in dating.

I think that with all things in dating, a balanced approach is key. You can succeed being cold in dating. You can succeed by being warm with everyone you meet, dating with a certain obliviousness and naïveté. You can succeed in dating if you’re an asshole, if you’re needy, if you’re rude, and if you’re unkind. But you don’t have to be any of those things to succeed.

I think that people get hung up on the idea that you can only date one way, and everything outside of that is the wrong way to date. It’s what pick-up artists tell men. It’s what relationship experts who are focused on respectability tell women. It’s what people who have become jaded by dating tell you. Be aggressive and don’t take no for an answer, that’s the only way you can date. Date in a way that considers others opinions of your respectability as a woman, rather than your own wants and desires, that’s the only way to date. Be cold, because everyone is bound to hurt you, that’s the only way to date.

They’re all wrong. Sure, you can do all those things and “succeed”, but do you want to? Do you want to date a certain way because some ding-dong with a popular blog and a business where they peddle e-books for profit tells you to treat women like garbage? Do you want to hold out on sex for months because some former comedian/R&B singer with a terrible mustache and/or I dunno, a supporting role in a series of movies ostensibly about cars but mostly about intense homoerotic stares exchanged between dewy men tell you to? You get where I’m going with this right?

I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t some value in being a bit cold when it comes to dating. I think that you should acknowledge the breadth of pain you can and will experience in dating, but at some point you need to take a cold, logical look at the things you can’t get over. It doesn’t pay to be cold as a default, but if you’re dwelling on being ghosted a whole year after it happen, you might want to logically, and without emotion, look at the reason why.

Try to find a balance between sharing and over sharing. A balance between getting your hopes up with everyone you meet, and cold to everyone who wants to date you. A balance between hedonism, and what you feel like is appropriate for the dating stage you’re in.

You don’t have to be cold to succeed at dating. You don’t need to date like a predator. You don’t need to date as if sex immediately makes people want to leave. Find a balance that you feel comfortable with, and date in a way that makes you feel proud of how you date. Don’t be cold if you don’t want to be. You don’t need to do it.

Good Luck Out There.

Also published on Medium.