Rapid Fire Dating Advice!

I’ll be honest with you, today my head is in a lot of different places. Between general worry about the state of the world, concern for family and friends (and their family and friends) affected by the recent spat of natural disasters, I’d be lying if I said I was feeling at ease at all.

Plus, I’ve got a serious case of man-flu. I know, I know, cue the crocodile tears. Seriously though, I wanted to write today, but I’m just…out of it. So, let’s do a round of rapid fire dating advice. Trawling over my search terms is always a great way to figure out what my readers are asking about dating, so here goes:

Side-note, I generally like to write in a non-gendered way, but for answering questions from searches that lead readers here, I like to include the gendered language if any.

1. What kind of text to send when a girl rejects you?

Rather than telling you how to reply to a rejection, which I’ve covered a few times, let’s talk about what not to do.

  • Don’t be salty about getting rejected
  • Don’t take it personal
  • Don’t insult them
  • Don’t refuse to take the rejection
  • Don’t respond out of a sense of bitterness or entitlement

Besides that, respond as you like

2. She said she is too young to have a relationship. What should I do?

Take her at her word. Don’t challenge her on this. Don’t contest her opinion. If someone says “I’m too X for a relationship”, whatever X is as a variable, take them at their word. Too busy, too selfish, too young, too old. Don’t spend your life trying to convince people of anything, it’s exhausting.

3. What’s the best way to reply when a guy tells you to come over to his house?

While not every person who invites you to their place is only looking for sex, I think you’d be safe in assuming that if someone invited you to their place, they might want to have sex with you. Not always true, no matter the gender of the person, but as people tend to have sex in their apartment, if you’re dating someone and they invite you over, it’s safe to assume that they’ve considered sleeping with you.

That said, you can still go to someone’s place, yes, even a straight guy, and not have sex with them. Going to someone’s house doesn’t equal consent. If you get invited to someone’s place and you want to go, go. You don’t have to bone them, and they might not even want to bone you, but keep it in the back of your mind that maybe that’s their motive. If you don’t want to go to their place, for whatever reason you might have decline the invite.

4. What does monogamy mean?

Like, the definition? If so then Monogamy is the practice or state of having a sexual relationship with only one partner. Alternatively, it can refer to having only one spouse (in contract to polygamy) If you mean what does monogamy mean in the practical sense, that’s really for you to decide. If you take monogamy to mean “one sexual relationship”, then you realize that some ways that people cheat fall outside of not being monogamous. If it’s limited to having a singular sexual relationship, and you’re having an ongoing relationship with someone you’ve never had sex with, that falls outside of the definition if we’re being pedantic.

So, what monogamy means should be defined by you and your partner. The same way that determining what a marriage means should be defined by partners. Or a relationship. Or even dating.

5. How do I ask a woman on a date on Snapchat?

My first instinct is to say “Don’t”, but let’s be real here.  People have met in lots of other weird ways that I wouldn’t recommend, so who am I to say what’s valid? That said, asking someone out via any social media platform should be a last resort. If you know them well enough to be able to ask them out any other way besides Snapchat, like in-person or via text or phone call, do that. If you don’t know them well enough to do that, really, seriously consider why you want to ask them out. Are they just really, ridiculously good-looking and you want to ask them out, or is your interest in them more than just superficial. If you’re attracted to a very attractive, active user of a social media site, trust me when I say that they get asked out on the site publicly and privately.

So, if you do decide to go through with asking them out, for one, do so privately. No clue if that’s even possible on Snapchat, but this advice applies on any social media outlet(I’m old and don’t use it). Do so politely, and with tact. If they don’t respond, that’s a no. If they respond with a no (or don’t respond at all), take that rejection with tact and grace. If they respond with anger because you’re using a social media site that they use for purposes other than being hit on, apologize and move on. Seriously, the same way that some people don’t want to be approached and hit on in certain spaces (or at all) sometimes goes doubly for social media.

Refer to item #1 for responding to your (probably, very likely) rejection after sliding into DMs.

6. What are some guys texting styles?

Guys, assuming you mean straight guys, have texting styles as varied as anyone else. But, generally speaking, here are the most common ones based on what I’ve seen:

  • To the point
  • Verbose
  • Too familiar too soon
  • “I’m trying to impress you with how smart I am, by insulting your intelligence”
  • Neutral

There’s a lot more variance that I’m probably missing but if you’ve ever texted a dude, especially one you met on a dating site, I’m guessing those 5 styles covered a bit of what you’ve experienced.

7. Why doesn’t anyone reply to me on a certain dating app?

I actually get this question quite often, both as a search term, and as an email in my inbox, and 9 times out of 10, this is the answer:

  • Copy/paste messages
  • Your messages are way too long, way too familiar, and way too romantic for someone you just met
  • Your pictures are either bad pictures of you, bad quality, or break a certain online dating picture rule (i.e. too many people in the picture, picture of you with what appears to be an ex, picture is 10 years old, etc,)
  • There isn’t anything on your profile that makes me want to message you
  • Your profile is way too negative or full of clichés

So you know if you’re doing any of those things, or your profile sounds like this, change it. It also helps to check the app/site frequently, update frequently, and use it frequently. You don’t always get what you give when it comes to online dating, but low effort is guaranteed to give you low quality results.

That’s it, I’m out. Take care, be kind to one another.

Good Luck Out There.

Also published on Medium.