Is this a sign they’re not interested?

norm27 asks:

So I met a guy online and our first date went well, he said that he had a good time with me . He wanted to make plans do something else so we did. It turns out that I had been with one of his good friends a year ago, so he cancelled our plans so he could talk to his friend to make sure seeing me was okay (he reached out and said he was okay with it). Then the new guy reached out to ask if I wanted to hang out this week, and I said yes. He said “I’m down let’s do Friday if you’re free”. I told him that I would have to look at my work schedule. He said “No worries at your convenience”. I told him that I was looking forward to seeing him and got no response. What does that mean? Is this a sign that he may not be that interested?

Demetrius says:

Based on the back and forth described in the question above, I don’t think that there is any sign that interest has been lost. If the situation sounds confusing, or my certainty seems confusing to you, here’s my logic. First, let’s trim the fat a bit and list the events that are actually relevant to a loss of interest:

  1. Man tries to schedule date
  2. Woman says she’ll need to check her schedule
  3. Man responds reassuringly and is awaiting a confirmation of availability
  4. Woman sends follow-up text without a confirmation of availability
  5. Man does not respond

In my experience, people often ask dating questions related to the last interaction they had with someone. I sent a text, they didn’t respond, why? We went on a date, they didn’t kiss me at the end of the date, why? What I would urge you to do is look at the sequence of event leading up to your question and consider the big picture. If you tell me, without context, that you texted someone and they didn’t respond, I’d assume they lost interest. If you told me that this person is waiting for YOU to confirm whether you’re free for a date, and the next time you reached out to them WAS NOT to confirm your availability, I’d assume that they think YOU lost interest, and not the other way around.

That’s what I’d assume if that chain of events happened. While on your end you might think that what you’re doing is reassuring him that you’re still interested, what it might come off as is someone facetiously complimenting someone while preparing to cut-off contact with you. I cannot tell you how many times that’ happened to me when someone told me they were busy and had to reschedule a date. I mean that seriously, I couldn’t count how many times it’s happened because it’s been dozens of times. Rarely, if ever, did someone say they were busy, or that they would get back to me, and actually get back to me and try to schedule a date. “I’m busy” was often code for “I’m not that interested and I want to slow phase things out”. That’s not to say that’s always the case for every person, but it was a pretty common experience for me.

I could be wrong, because I’m not infallible. The surest way to be sure that I’m right or wrong is to just reach out with your availability and try to schedule a date.

Less specific to this situation, I’d recommend that if you feel like someone might be losing interest because of a specific action, the best way to look at things is look 4 steps backward. Did they lose interest because of the last text you sent, or was it a combination of the 4 events that happened prior to your text? Maybe what you think is them reacting to your last text is them waiting for you to get back to them about something you mentioned 3 texts ago. Of course, as always, the best way to get an answer is to prompt someone to give you an answer. It doesn’t have to be asking a question per se. If you’re thinking someone has lost interest in seeing you, a good way to get an answer is to ask them on a date. If they’ve lost interest, the chances you’ll go on a date are slim. If they stall on rescheduling a date, let’s say 3 times, they’ve probably lost interest.

In my experience, people lose interest for lots of reasons. It may be because of something you did, but usually it’s because they lost interest because they thought you weren’t a good fit. Don’t beat yourself up every time someone loses interest, consider it a blessing in disguise.

Good Luck Out There.

Also published on Medium.

One Reply to “Is this a sign they’re not interested?”

  1. I’ve noticed with a lot of guys that if you don’t ask something very specific in a text they won’t always respond. Because why would they? If you replied to their last message and said something that didn’t specifically warrant an answer they will just leave it there. It makes sense. Guys rarely do mindless chatter like women often do on texts. Ask a question, text something where they have to respond because they’ll want to respond like ‘I’m free Friday from 6. Does that work for you?’